Darkness suits the heart
by typokiss
Summary: Jax Teller knew something was wrong with the matters of his heart. The club ripping slowly apart, the woman he loved was dreaming of another life far away from Charming and his heart itself … it seemed starting to stumble. Was the strain to much to the only thing ever keeping him alive? Set in Season 4 Just for precaution tendency to M rating. Anyhow it's SOA.
1. Waking

Hello everyone! This is my first fanfic and obviously I'm not a native speaker, so I do appreciate reviews and corrections.  
Note to the medical stuff: I've got a little experience with that topic and tried to be as accurate I could. I don't invent details, they are all based on meticulous research. But my advice is: Get serious medical information only from M.D.s.

Thank you!

* * *

The morning sun hit Taras eye lids. She groaned and stretched her arms before she turned to her right, only to find Jaxs side of the bed empty. Confused she opened her eyes. He hadn't even hit the pillow. Where he was supposed to be last night? Church. Yeah, she got it. The meeting seemed to has developed into a carousal. Tara crawled out of the sheets. There was a familiar sound – no sounds – from the nursery. Abel was singing, awkwardly loud for 07:00 a.m. and Thomas was crying, the hunger type. Still a little sleepy she squinted at her reflection in the mirror and prepared herself for the all day business.

Hours – which felt like years – later Tara and her little boys arrived at the garage. It was quiet. Very quiet. Till Abel started squeaking. She followed in the direction her sons fully attention belonged to. Gemma just got out of the office, a smoking cigarette in her hand.

»Oh sweety!«, she welcomed her grandson and closed him into her arms.  
»Hi Gem«, Tara smiled and pushed Thomas a little upwards her hip. He was getting heavier day-to-day.  
»Are you looking for Jax?«  
»Yeah, right. Woke up next to thin air.«  
»Me too«, Gemma replied compassionately and aggressive at the same time and nodded to the clubhouse. »let's take a look at the disaster.«

As they approached the door, it opened apparently by itself, but a second later a very weird-looking Bobby scuffled into the sun. He was wearing his Elvis wig and slight traces of permanent marker covered his face.  
»Oh, what the hell have ya been doing in there?«, Gemma moaned and passed Bobby in a delicate distance.  
»Uh, um we … actually I don't remember. But it must have been good«, he smirked. Tara cocked her head and watched the old biker.  
»Are you able to handle the two while I look after my drunken worse half?«, she asked him and petted Thomas fair-haired head. Bobby nodded confident and stretched his hands to take the baby from his mother's side. Thomas remained quiet and Tara felt cleared to slip in to the hell hole.  
In there it was dark and smelling. Juice had laid his head in a puddle of vomit on the counter and was blissfully asleep. Ranting from one of the back rooms assured her, that Gemma has found Clay and Tara almost collided with a tousled Chibs. He has been looking younger yesterday morning.  
»Hey, Tara«, he whispered with his scottish accent.  
»Have you seen … «  
»Jackie boy? Back garage. He's pretty out of it. You may should get him home.«  
»Uh, what happened?«  
»It was a wild night, but you better ask him. I don't remember to see him drinking that lot.«  
»You mean in relation to a normal human being or to the rest of the club?«  
»Today I would go with the first«, Chibs grinned and continued his way. Tara ran her fingers through her hair and followed the tight corridors to the back rooms. On her way she found Clay and Gemma – not ranting anymore – instead kissing and whispering. Silently she got to the garage. Jax was sitting on the floor and stared up to her.  
»Look a little hung over«, she stated.  
»Sorry, that I didn't make it home«, he excused and sounded broken. Tara frowned and kneeled down to him.  
»You sound sober.«  
»I am. I have to.«  
»How much did you drink?«  
»Not more like three or four beer.«  
»So, why didn't you make it home?«  
»I was tired«, he wondered about his reply. »I still feel like I'm totally unable to get on my own feet.«  
NOW Tara really got worried. Jax ever has been a spark of life. Yes, he got tired, like they all do but it's just the lack of sleep, way too much drinks or a whole day on the bike. The kind of fatigue he showed at this very moment was new to her. In the past he always had found the energy to lift him up on his feet and get home. Always. Then her medical training snapped in. She couldn't help it, especially not considering his family history. She caressed his cheek and slid her hand down to his neck checking his pulse inconspicuously. It was way to fast. Her own heart skipped a beat but she tried to conceal every hint of the reaction.  
»Do you think you can get on your feet with my help?«  
»Let's give it a try«, he nodded and crawled on his knees. He wasn't a light lift Tara noticed but managed his weight so long he pushed his back against the wall. Once he was upright, Jax gave Tara a desperate look and collapsed coughing on the floor.


	2. Upright

AN: So I couldn't wait to post the next chapter, 'cause I know how it is to wait, when I follow a story.

Maybe I should put here this well-known disclaimer: "Sons of Anarchy and all characters belong to Kurt Sutter, who does an absolutely great job, and the FX Network." I really try to serve Kurts mythology, even if he won't show us the cards.

Oh and how I wrote in the summary, the story is set in season 4, but unfortunately we are in germany just at episode 4 of season 2 … the rest of the story I got from successfully spoiling my self. Tell me, when I got something from the past terribly wrong. Thanks!

Uuuups, I made Chibs by mistake irish. Fixed it!

* * *

»Bloody hell Jax!«, Tara cried out and got to his side.  
»Never thought this day will come«, he stated soberly.  
»We'll get it fixed. I promise.«  
»Am I talking to my fiancé or a doctor?«  
»Both. You booked the full package«, she smirked confident.  
»Really, I don't want this.«  
»What?«  
»What comes next. I've been through this with mum and Thomas and I thought I was the glad one, flawed but out of the woods. I never expected anything of this crap to catch up with me.«  
»You even don't know what this ia, Jax. And if it is really you heart, it will not be the end.«  
»Hopefully, but it means doctors, drugs … «  
»Surgery.«  
»Yeah, surgery. Especially that.«  
»Maybe you have a little talk with your son. He didn't complaint that much. And look at him, he is fine«, she tried to cheer him up.  
»I know, but he hadn't have to live with that. Look at my mum. She was treated after she got me and it was so damn … «  
»Shhh. Jax, one step after the other.«  
»What kind of steps do you mean?«  
»This is temporary. Your blood pressure is down. I think it is the best we take you home.«  
»You can't carry me«, he smirked with a sad tone in the distance.  
»I could call Opie. Maybe we can take a back door.«  
»You're kidding. I am not gonna hide that from the club. They will know what's going on in a rush.«  
»Right, but first I'm gonna talk to your mum. She is out there in the corridor with Clay. Maybe I have to check first if they still wearing their clothes.«  
»Oh, no details for me«, he shook his head. Tara left him with a gentle kiss and headed full of worries to the corridor. Gemma leaned on the wall, smoking again.  
»Did you find your old man?«, she smiled and blowed little rings of smoke in the air.  
»I did. Gemma, I have to talk with you about Jax.«  
»What did he do?« The voice of the matriarch turned into a suspicious color.

»Mum! Please! Stop that!«, Jax moaned. His mother had bent down next to him, obviously checking his pulse. He was feeling like a four-year old, trying to escape from a wet finger tip in his face. She didn't care if he found it humiliating.  
»I did this a thousand times when you were a kid«, she justified. »It's pretty fast.«  
»Yeah, I know. But it's steady.«  
»Means not, that it will stay this way.«  
This moment Tara returned, Opie and Chibs in tow.  
»I found two who can stand on their own«, she proudly announces. While Opie was fast on his best friends side, Chibs remained in the doorway and gave Jax a concerned look. Nobody said a word, because they knew, there was nothing to say. All they could do was lifting Jax slowly up. He stayed barely conscious and leaned heavy on his brothers shoulders.  
»I'll get the car«, Tara mumbled and hurried out. Opie and Chibs followed her slowly with Jax in their midst. He struggled to lift his legs efficiently.  
»Hell man, do you think it's a good idea trying to walk?«, Opie questioned carefully.  
»The only way out of here is upright«, Jax stubbornly replied and raised his head as they approached the bar. The most sons seemed to be still drunk, snoring and sleeping. There was not too much audience, Jax thankfully noticed. They dropped him in the passenger seat of Taras van. Abel and Thomas were already settled at the back seat happily singing and babbling.  
»You're alright?«, Chibs tried to assure him self.  
»Of course not«, Jax coughed tired and Tara leaned over to him.  
»He will be«, she assured the Scotsman.  
»I'll follow you with the bike«, Opie stated and vanished out of her sight.  
»Where are you heading?« Gemma had caught up with them.  
»First home, I think«, Tara uttered and Chibs closed the door. »Or maybe immediately to the hospital«, she whispered to Jax.  
»No. Not yet.«  
»You have to see a cardiologist, as soon as possible. I can call Adam Learner, worked with him. He would be my first choice.«  
»Later, I feel so tired.«  
»I know«, she smiled sympathetically and started the engine. »But that won't fade by its own.«  
»Yeah. Home. Please.«


	3. Revelations

**AN:** Sooo, hey. Next chapter. Thank you all for your nice reviews, especially the great LonePalm, who helped me to get rid of some phrasing and slang problems. Of course all mistakes are my own. And, who knew, the sons are not wearing a "cut" its a "kutte" – my dictionary didn't!

Disclaimer Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

They hit the driveway of their house the same time Opie stopped his Harley. Tara, struggling to get Thomas out of his car seat while preventing Abel from running to the street, left the business of getting Jax in the house to his best friend.

»Come on buddy«, Opie growled, »you look like shit.«

»Feel like shit«, Jax smirked but managed to stand straight and walk to the entrance with just slight support.

»Seems your mom is following you«, Opie whispered by the approach of another car.

»What a surprise. Maybe you tell Clay that he should fucking get sober and take care of his wife, cause right now she's going through hell«, Jax ranted, not knowing if he was more angry with himself for getting into this situation or with Clay for not noticing the extent of his mother's desperation. Opie nodded silently and pushed the door open which had slipped closed behind Tara and the boys. Opie settled them on the couch and gave Jax the same concerned look Chibs did before.

»Stop that, please«, his best friend begged.

»Maybe it's just the flu.«

Jax turned his head and shrugged his shoulders. There are some things that never have to be said between them.

»Yeah, bro«, Jax sighed.

»It hit you so sudden.«

»Looks like I'm good at ignoring the unpleasant«, Jax smiled bitterly.

»Oh«, Opie understood. »not so sudden after all.«

»Nope. I was hoping it would just… disappear.«

»It didn't.«

»Yeah, got that. Don't … tell Tara, okay?«

»Of course, but you know, she will figure that on her own.«

»Unfortunately she will but I am trying to enjoy it as long as I can.«

Opie didn't reply, he just got a guilt-ridden expression on his face and he really wasn't able to hide it; and Jax wasn't able to accept it. He gave his friend a nudge with his elbow and a confident smile.

»It's fine. Guess I should stop driving myself crazy, shouldn't I?«

»That's the truth«, Gemma said. Nobody had heard her sneak in.

»Ma?«

»Gemma?«, Opie nodded.

»And now?«, Gemma wanted to know as Tara came in with Thomas on her hip through the back door and headed silently in the kitchen.

»I think, she needs a minute to work through this«, Jax yawned and laid his head onto the backrest.

»I didn't ask her, I asked you, Jax. You should see a doctor.«

»I know that, Ma.«

When Tara came back, she carried a tray with glasses, juice, cheese and a bunch of bread next to a lot of other stuff from the fridge.

»Breakfast«, she declared. »Starving won't improve your condition.«

»And after the breakfast?«, Jax asked chewing on the dry bread. She was right, he was starving, but this sheer lack of appetite concerned him even more than the palpitations he had been having ever since he had left the car.

»I'm going to call the hospital to get you an appointment«, Tara announced and disappeared into the hallway. No protest allowed.

»I really thought you were out of the woods«, Gemma frowned.

»We all did«, Jax agreed.

••••••••••

»What?«, Tara reacted to Jax's smirk, when they sat in the car on their way to the hospital. Gemma had taken her grandsons and was following the van a short distance behind them.

»Nothing. I was just thinking how my kutte would look over a hospital gown.«

»At least it would prevent the nurses from getting a free peep show«, she chuckled, a little bit more relaxed about the fact, the he had recovered his sense of humor.

••••••••••

At the hospital a guy named Adam Learner welcomed them. He was Jax's age, looking like a yuppie with bleached teeth and a tv-smile. Jax didn't like him. Not a bit. But he had no choice. Fucking palpitations were coming and going and his blood silently had decided, to stay far away from his brain, so the world continued to spin around him. Tara was clinging to his arm and even if it looked like he was supporting her, she was the strong one. Jax didn't liked that either, although, he was grateful for her presence.

There were undeniable advantages to be with a staff member. Waiting time was kept short, nurses didn't even try small talk. They didn't dare to, maybe because Tara was around. She was silent most of the time, kind of protective, kind of nervous. Jax knew, that she tried to hide her emotions, so she turned her face into stone; which only melted when he sought for her attention. But he did it just two times. Too much was going on in his mind. He was trying to work out what was happening to him. The very same thing he had been trying so hard to block out. Hadn't he been able to admit it to himself, that he maybe he needed help, or had it been fear? Damn, he was never scared. Not him. He took off his kutte and shirt and laid down with misty eyes. He could torture himself later or possibly never. Under the close observation of Tara, who never turned from his side, they quickly completed several tests, but nothing he hadn't already gone through in his early childhood. Nothing new, except new techniques. X-ray. ECG. Heart echo. Bloodtests.

They waited in a semi-private room with two beds along with Gemma and the boys, who were getting increasingly bored with the passing of every single minute. They had Jax settled on the bed near the window and had him hooked up to the usual monitoring stuff, which he stubbornly tried to ignore.

»Why don't you take them outside«, he suggested to his mother. »I remember a playground, behind the hospital.«

»You're right«, Tara agreed.

»And you really expect me to leave you alone?«

»I am not alone, Ma.«

»Right. Gotcha. Come on Abel, let's take a little ride!«

The minute Gemma left Jax turned to Tara, whose stone like facade was gone.

»What do you think?«

»About what?«

»You were there during the tests.«

»I was there for you, not to scrutinize Learners work.«

»But you saw something didn't you.«

»I don't have to be a doctor to see, that there is something terribly wrong with you. I just would like to wait and hear what Adam had to say.«

»Adam?«, Jax repeated jealously.

»He is only a co-worker, nothing more.«

»Mr. Teller?«, said man knocked at the doorway and slipped in the room.

»Yeah«, Jax raised his head.

»We have to talk.«

»I'm afraid so.«

»Like expected, did we find the atrial septal defect you were born with. Evidently it was never fixed.«

»Yeah, um my mom was told it wasn't necessary«, Jax shrugged.

»Well, it wasn't then... But now it's obviously causing problems. However that is not the only thing I'm concerned about.«

»So what else are you concerned about?«, Tara stepped in.

»Scar tissue, caused by your stabbing wounds. When did that happen?«

»Almost 14 months ago.«

»But you weren't treated here. I couldn't find any records related to it.«

»Right«, Jax nodded and caught the physicians gaze. »It happened at the Stockton state prison«, he added grimly. Learners face darkened in contemplation of the sudden revelation and Jax saw how he pigeonholed him. Great, he thought, just fucking great.


	4. What to do

AN: Yeah, next chapter. Thank you all for your nice reviews, they are the wages of every fanfic writer! So go on with that!  
And again special thanks to the fabulous LonePalm, who guards over my phrases. Of course all mistakes are my own!

Disclaimer Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

Gemma sat on a bench watching her grandson dig a hole to the other side of the world, directly through the sandbox, while she was feeding Thomas. As long as she could see Abel's head she knew she didn't need to be worried. Not about him. Not anymore.

Despite enjoying spending time on the playground with the boys, worry wrapped itself tightly around her mind. Seeing Jax on the floor, unable to get up and practically being dragged out to the car shook her world to its very foundations. She felt like she had traveled back in time, to the day the doctors had told her that there was something wrong with her first son's heart. She had understood what they were telling her and what it meant for her son, it wasn't unfamiliar because it was her flaw too.

But Jax has been fine and he had slipped off of radar when Thomas was born. Jax had grown up and gained weight, while her younger son always was small and skinny till the day he had left this world. Jax had become athletic and took pride in toned and well defined muscles. He was a picture of strength to everyone – indestructible. No one would ever guess that there was a hole in his heart; and it was important that it stayed this way; otherwise his position in the club would be jeopardized. The handful of people who did know, knew even better the extent of Gemma's revenge if they ever dared to reveal that fact. So far everything was fine. Sure, in his life, Jax often came home beaten up, bleeding and bruised, sometimes with a deep cut or even a bullet graze. But Gemma had always known how to stitch him up, how to make him better, but not this time. This time was different.

••••••••••••••••••••

After an awkward moment of silence, Dr. Learner pursed his lips. Nice. Tara didn't even notice. The man shifted uncomfortably and took a breath, »And you were treated only at the Stockton prison?« he asked, trying to sound as casual as possible and ignoring the tension he had caused.

Jax sighed. He would never gonna like this guy, but that wasn't necessary. »No. I had surgery at San Joaquin County Hospital and stayed there for a week in ICU. After that I was transferred back to Stockton …«

»… and spent almost two months in their infirmary«, Tara finished Jax's sentence, who she could tell was struggling to speak about that dark chapter of his life, their lives.

»Stockton wasn't the best place to recover from an injury of this severity«, Learner noted and pulled out a printed x-ray photo of Jax's chest. »Do you see the brightened areas around the left side of your pericardium?«

Jax didn't know what that a pericardium was or what it was supposed to look like but he did spot the whitish areas in this unfamiliar mix of black and grey shades. »Yeah« he answered.

»It looks like the knife pierced your left lung two times; the third time it pierced the tissue dangerously close to your heart and probably even the heart muscle itself. I assume they fixed it … made rudimentary repairs so you wouldn't bleed to death but they didn't consider your heart defect. And now the scar tissues may be restraining the movements of your left ventricle. Under this amount of strain the muscle thickens and starts to get kind of stiff. In addition I wouldn't be surprised to find signs of an old infection, if we perform a biopsy.«

»That doesn't sound good«, Jax mumbled quietly.

Dr. Learner paused and looked him directly in the eye and soberly said »We really have a bunch of problems that have to be solved quickly or you will be in serious trouble; but at the moment I am not absolutely sure which path we should choose.«

»So what do you think we should do first?«, Tara asked.

Jax heard the worry growing in her voice and subtly reached for her hand. It wasn't lost on him that if Tara was scared, his problems were likely much worse than he had originally thought.

»First I would like to get an MRI so I can be certain about the extent of the scarring. It would also be helpful, if I can get the surgical and post op notes from SJCH. After that, I think our first course of action is to repair the defect and see if that improves your condition«, Leaner explained.

»What do you mean 'IF'«, Jax spat harshly.

»It might not be enough to repair the defect; we will have to wait and see. It will be a minor and routine procedure if the physiology of your heart allows it. I want to try and avoid an open chest surgery for the defect repair if possible.«

»Me too« Jax interrupted. Actually, if he had a choice, he would avoid being here altogether.

»I want to avoid it because it might not be the only one. Eventually we will most likely have to open your chest and remove the scar tissue«,

»Fuck. Are you serious?« Jax couldn't believe what he was hearing … he didn't want to.

»Remember, I said, at this point I don't know anything for certain. If you're lucky, your heart will recover with the closed shunt, if not, this is what you may be facing«, Learner added.

»What about his BP?" Tara asked quietly giving the monitor behind Jax's bed a glance, Alpha-adrenergic antagonists?«

»I think that would be the best choice« Learner replied as he looked down at his slightly confused patient. »Don't let this get you down. You're young and strong and, absent these problems, absolutely healthy.«

»I told him the same thing« Tara softly stated, squeezing Jax's hand tighter.

»Yeah. Thanks. Can I go home now?« Jax asked hopefully.

»Now? Absolutely not. We have to get you stabilized. Right now your heart activity is a mess. If I let you go now you'll be back in no time. Give the meds a chance to work and we will have you back home soon.«

Soon? Does this jerk have any idea what this means to him? What his body could withstand? Maybe he does, but that didn't change the fact that Jax wanted to go home, no, he needed to go home. Now. He needed to be back at the head of the table. This isn't how he planned things, Jax had planned them differently. Now was the time to show strength. Pulling the club in another direction needed a lot of energy and this wasn't the time he could start faltering.

Jax tuned out the voices around him. He was disappointed and angry and exausted. Anyway Learner had started talking to Tara, and she was a lot more capable of understanding what was going on with him, than he was. Jax glanced out the windows. Freedom lay just beyond this walls of glass. They were torturing him, showing him what he craved without any chance to get it. Fuck. Jax wished he could stab Putlova in the chest, kill the damn Russian for what he had done to him, but he had already done it and now it didn't seem like enough. He closed his eyes and ran his hand roughly through his short hair, business had finally caught up with Jax and he didn't know what to do.


	5. A dangerous path

AN: Hi there! It obviously took me some time to update, but finally chapter 5 is finished!

Great Thanks to the patient LonePalm, who makes me think not just about my phrases but my story too. Of course all mistakes are my own!

Disclaimer Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

Learner was gone, but Tara was still there talking to Jax, or at least trying to.  
»I wanna go home.«  
»Jax, no. That's not an option.«  
»If I stay people will start to talk.«  
»People are already talking Jax.«  
»Yeah, and that's why I have get outta here and get back home.«  
»For what?«, Tara spat.  
»So far nobody knows what Learner told us and I want to keep it that way. I … I can't look … weak. Not to the club.«  
»To the club?«, Tara repeated. »To the fucking club? This is about your life Jax!«  
»The club is my life! For most of my life those guys have been my family … «  
»Yeah, and now you've got one of your own!«  
»Tara, I told you I'll get out, take you and our boys and leave Charming. But first, first I have to make things right. I can't leave leave all these shreds of broken glass behind.«  
»But you don't even know how to fix it. As long as Clay is at the head of that table, it will be a war you can't win.«  
»I can. It's just gonna take some time; and that's why I CAN'T BE WEAK!«  
»But baby you are. Your blood pressure is what? 80 over 40? You aren't even capable of leaving that bed.«  
»The hell I'm not!«, he claimed and swung the blanket off his legs. Tara raised her hands.  
»You don't have to do this, Jax.«  
»Obviously I do.«  
»Come on. Think about your boys. They deserve a healthy father, not one that's barely breathing. They don't need stories of a warrior who died trying to fix a lost army. I can't raise them alone. I can't live this life alone. I can't believe that we are less important to you than a bunch of motorcycle riding criminals who might stab you in the back if you don't watch out.«  
Jax shot a destroying gaze at her. Tara never learned to love the club the way he did; sometimes he believed she never really tried. Maybe she was right to try and pull him away from all that shit, but she wasn't right about their family.  
»Not less«, he breathed. »Don't think that, not for a minute. I told you, that you and the boys are the most important thing to me - always. But the club is important to me too.«  
»Enough to risk your life? You can't have both!«  
»That's not fair.«  
»Democracy is never fair, but it serves the majority.«  
»Tara, I promised you, that I would take you and the boys and leave here forever. And I had just one condition.«  
»Even if it costs you everything, even your life?!«, she cried.  
»I'm not talking about refusing medical care. I'll take the meds and I'll let Learner fix the damn hole in my heart, but I won't lay around and act like the brave sick guy.«  
»You wouldn't let me sneak you out of the clubhouse, remember? And now you want go back and act like you had a bad beer or something? Why start lying now?«  
»This was never about being honest. I knew, if I let you sneak me out, they would have known, that there was something much more serious than the flu.«  
»It was just show?«  
»Of course. But not for you, Tara. And whats going about SAMCRO: Time for fair play is running out«, he stated darkly.  
Tara bristled with anger and looked at the door. She desperately needed a break and a place to hear her own thoughts again.  
»I'll get coffee«, she announced and left a troubled Jax behind.

Tara walked aimlessly through the halls searching for some peace. She was angry with Jax, not for getting sick, not for wanting to go home. No, she understood that. She was angry because … yeah, why? There was this feeling she couldn't sort out. She reached the lobby and headed for one of the vending machines that offered some dark brown liquid no one ever dared to call coffee. Suddenly she stopped in the middle of the hall just a second before she ran into Opie.  
»Ope, what are you doing here?«, she asked surprised.  
»Jax, my best friend, is in here … remember?«, he reminded her with a friendly smile.  
»Sorry«, she nodded and started biting her lip.  
»Is he okay?«  
»Well, I think … what do you know about his heart defect?«, Tara asked instead of answering.  
»Is it his heart?«  
»Ope … «  
»Enough. We grew up together, but he was fine.«  
»Yeah.«  
»What is it? Look, I have to tell the club something, they've started asking questions. I had to turn my cell off, cause I don't have any answers to give them.«  
»Of course they're asking«, Tara stated pissed. The damn club. One day SAMCRO would dance on her fiancés grave. She knew Opie was waiting for an answer. She knew it was time to decide about Jaxes plea to leave the hospital. If she told Opie that Jax was fine they would have to prove and take him home. And if she told tell him the truth Jax's fears may come true. Actually it was not her decision to make, his body had already made that decision. But how to handle the uncertainty that the truth held?  
»Please tell me«, Opie sadly begged.  
Tara nodded reluctantly. »What I am going to tell you, is for your ears only, you can't tell the club«, she explained sharply. »You have to swear it. This has to stay between us.«  
»You know, I would never hurt Jax.«  
»This is not about hurting him, its about protecting him. Agreed?«  
»Tell me«, Opie whispers.  
»You know Jax and I had an agreement - total disclosure - to tell each other the whole truth, even if the truth is hard to bear. Today I found out, that Jax has been lying to me, he's been lying for a long time. He's showing signs of advanced cardiac insufficiency; and there is no way that it happened over night.«  
»He didn't tell me either before this morning«, he reassured her. »Is he gonna be okay?«  
»I don't know«, Tara suddenly sobed when her carefully built up resistance to all of the fear, anger and desperation broke.

Opie caught the delicate and trembling figure of his best friend's old lady. He didn't know what to do but wait for her to calm down.  
»What does that mean, cardiac insufficiency?«  
Tara lifted her head from Opie's chest still silently crying and wiped the tears from her cheeks. »His heart isn't able to pump blood normally anymore. He has seriously low blood pressure, that's why he couldn't get up this morning. There's also small amounts of fluid building up in his lungs and that is why he's started to cough. A insufficiency could cause another thousand different complications, but … «  
»Is he gonna die?«, Opie interrupted her horrified.  
»Untreated, yes; the insufficiency will advance into heart failure«, Tara confirmed unemotionally. It felt like she was finally admitting to herself the undeniable truth about Jax's prognosis.  
»Can I see him?«  
»Yeah of course«, she agreed and the both of them set out for Jax's room.

On their way Tara felt silent and retreated into her shell. She was thinking about what would happen when Jax learned about her betrayal. But really, he didn't have any reason to mad at her, because he had failed to keep his promise too.

As they reached the corridor leading to the private rooms Tara finally told Opie the thing that was driving her nuts, »He wants to go home.«  
»Can he?«  
»No and I may need your help to convince him to stay and … to help cover it up«, Tara gave him a cautious glance but didn't hear Opie's reply, cause the only thing she noticed was the flashing blue light over Jax's door, signaling a cardiac arrest.

Running towards the blue light Tara simply abandoned Opie and made it to the door even before Learner and two nurses who had a crash cart in tow. Panicked, she pulled the door open and let out a furious shout.  
»What the hell Jax!«, she roared. Jax was standing next to the bed, half naked and fiddling with the last of the monitoring electrodes on his chest. Tara collapsed in the doorway, relieved but simmering with rage. Learner stood there too and gave Jax a disfavoring gaze.  
»Seems like we aren't needed after all«, he noted and handed Tara his right hand to pull her back to her feet.  
»Just give me a minute«, she snorted and slammed the door.

»What are you doing?« she shouted.  
»I am checking out.«  
»I can see that. Don't make me … «  
»What?«  
»Blackmail you!«  
»How?«  
»I'll tell everyone about your condition. You almost gave me and Opie a damn heart attack!«  
»Opie?«  
»Outside.«  
Tara tried to calm herself down and stepped close to Jax who was growing paler with every second.  
»Lay down«, she commanded and Jax followed involuntarily because he felt his legs weakening anyway. He watched Tara head over to a cart packed with medical stuff and return with a package of new electrodes.  
»Come on, Tara, please...«, he moaned.  
»No Jax. This is not open for discussion. You're not the only one who has a say in this. Don't you dare try to cut me out of this.«  
»You don't understand … «, Jax began, but was cut short.  
»No, Jax. This, this time YOU don't understand. You've saved my life more times than I care to remember and I let you do whatever was necessary to do it. So don't I deserve the same right? I am not your enemy Jax and I won't be your gravedigger. You have to listen to me. No more flying solo on this. Promise me.«  
»You're tougher than I ever thought«, he smirked painfully. »But you know, it has never been in my nature to follow someone else's lead.«  
»I'm on your side.«  
»So take me home!«  
»Jackson Teller, you are about to go down a very dangerous path.«  
»But I'm not afraid with a guide like you.«  
She finished hooking him back up to the monitors and took note of his stable sinus rhythm, it was little fast but nothing in comparison to the mess it had been this morning. His blood pressure was still a little low but nothing she could't handle.  
»Promise me«, she repeated. »I can't take care of three children. I need to be sure you don't risk your life for nothing.«  
»Alright. I'll do whatever you say. Just this once«, he winked at her.  
It's better than nothing, Tara thought. She walked purposefully from the room leaving the door open for a confused looking Opie and tried to think of a way to get her bullheaded fiancé out of there.


	6. Liars

AN: The story expands and my chapters are getting longer and longer. In return please, please continue reviewing!

As always, I want to thank LonePalm, because she mostly knows better what I wanted to say than myself.

In the summary **I set the story in** season 4. Now I just want to specify that a little bit: **Episode 2 of season 4.**  
It takes place after Jax promised Tara to leave Charming with her and the boys. So he had already asked Clay to let him leave the club when he steps down, but before there was the discussion about the drugs. I had to cut off at that point, but I will continue to follow the canon, of course in consideration of Jax's failing health.

Disclaimer Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

Still troubled from the argument with Jax and how seeing the cardiac arrest alert lights flashing above his door had started it, Tara traipsed down the hall and headed out into the general cardiac ward where a nurse she recognized was jotting numbers onto a clipboard. She saw Tara and raised her head.

"Did you get him under control, Dr. Knowles?«, she asked and Tara nodded to a monitor displaying Jax's vitals.

»Seems so. Do you know where I can find Dr. Learner?«

»Um … I think, he said, he was going to prepare for rounds. You want to check his office«, she shrugged.

Tara thanked her and left. Adam Learner's office was almost next to hers in the south wing, not too far from where she was. Again she started to bite her bottom lip. She really should break that nasty habit before nothing was left of the lip, she thought, but somehow it eased the stresses living this life with Jax. Tara approached Adam's office and heard him talking to someone on the phone. Carefully she knocked on the door and entered.

» … yeah, I will. Bye«, he finished the call and hung up. »Tara.«

»I got him settled.«

»Of course«, he sighed. »I guess I don't have to tell you that his lack of cooperation isn't very helpful.«

»And yet, you just did. He is just … he isn't used to being told that he can't do what he want to do, at least not from strangers.«

»Gotcha. Maybe some people just can't follow the rules. Any ideas on how to get him to comply?«

»Discharge him.«

»You're kidding«, he laughed out.

»No, I'm serious«, Tara assured him.

»No way.«

»If you won't he'll simply leave. Trust me, I know him.«

»I can't take responsibility for such a reckless decision. He can have an arrhythmia or a flash pulmonary edema. There is already fluid in his lungs. I want him here, under close observation, for at least 24 hours; to be sure he won't crash plus we need time to let the meds take effect.«

»His sinus rhythm is stable, O2 saturation is over 95 percent and he hasn't coughed for hours; and I can watch him at home.«

»His rhythm is stable NOW...«, he replied. »You know he tried to hide that from you, don't you?«

»I do; and believe me, I am going to deal with that, but Adam, please.«

He leaned back in his chair and rocked while he watched Tara with no small amount of concern. She stared him in the eye and didn't budge an inch. She hadn't been able to fight a battle for Jax in a very long time. She would make this happen for him, but she also knew that she had another battle to fight for Jax...to be his guiding light while they were traveling down this dark path that could literally mean his life or death.

»Only AMA«, Learner conceded. »And you have to take some precautions...«

••••••••••

Opie almost couldn't bear to see Jax like this, not with Tara's words echoing in his mind. For a second he wished Jax were bleeding. That would be a problem, that he knew could be fixed with duct tape or a needle and thread. But not this. They hadn't said a lot since Tara had left. He wanted to ask Jax what he was going to do, but he stayed silent. Opie heard light footsteps drawing closer to the door and he raised his head to see Gemma coming in to drop off a sleeping Thomas.

»Did you get the results?« she asked out right as she followed Abel, who ran towards his father. Jax grabbed his son and lifted him as he giggled and squealed with joy to be back in his father's arms.

»Hey buddy, where ya been?« Jax asked his son and ignored Gemma's question. »You're wearing more sand than a sandbox.«

Abel just mumbling unintelligible reply that was drowned out by more giggling as Jax raised his eyebrows in amusement. Waiting was not Gemma's strong suit and her impatience showed as she sighed heavily and stated blowing out exasperated breaths.

»Jax?« she snapped.

Damn, what should he tell her. What version of the truth would be enough to satisfy her without telling her enough to scare her to death? Or should he even tell her the truth at all?

»What Ma?« he stalled.

»Is there something wrong with your brain too?«, Gemma replied annoyed.

»See, I'm … «, he began, but stopped still not knowing what to tell her.

»He's fine« Tara said as she suddenly breezed into the room and prevented Jax from really getting himself into trouble. Gemma turned around and spotted an IV bag in her hand.

»What's that?« she asked suspiciously, pointing at the bag.

»That?« Tara asked and held up the bad that had piqued Gemma's interest. »Nothing. I was doing a colleague a favor when I heard you.«

»Ah« Gemma replied suspiciously. »What about Jax?«

»Just an unfortunate mix of stress, a nasty cold and simple good old dehydration from too much bourbon«, Tara lied with the just the right pissed off stress on the word bourbon to make the nature of the problem clear.

»And the messy heart rhythm?« the matriarch questioned much less suspiciously.

»Settled down after Jax drank a half-gallon of water over the last couple of hours.«

»I'll be fine Ma«, Jax agreed with all the confidence he could muster. Tara had done all of the hard work, lying to Gemma could be as dangerous as playing with nitroglycerine – you never know when it will blow up your ass, but Tara never faltered, not even once.

»He will«, Tara nodded. »Another half-gallon and a few days off and he will be as good as new.«

»There's nothing wrong with his heart?«, Gemma asked in disbelief.

»The hole won't disappear by itself, if that's what you're referring to.«

»Gotcha.«

»Ma, maybe you should the kids home with you and we'll come get them as soon as I get out of here.«

»Well it looks like the two of you have this under control«, she said as she looked down at her sleeping grandson. »Alright. I'll take them to our house.«

»I'll give you a call when I get Jax back home then I will swing by and pick them up«, Tara smiled as she dumped the IV bag on the cart before sitting down at the foot of Jax's bed. Gently she caressed Abel's back and asked him »Do you go with Grandma?«

»Granma«, Abel nodded enthusiastically but turned back to Jax with an expectant look »Daddy?«

»I'll come later buddy«, Jax promised and bent over to place a kiss on his son's blonde head. Tara felt her own heart skip a beat as she wondered why this seemed like goodbye, a final goodbye. She shook off the thought but Opie sensed the tension and stood suddenly and told the group assembled in Jax's room »I've gotta get going. See you guys later« and headed for the door. They all watched him disappear and Gemma yawned.

»I'll go too. And no messing around after I leave« she smirked wagging a finger. Lifting Abel from his father's arms she said »Come on Sweetheart there's a lot more sand to dig in over in Grandma's garden.«

••••••••••

»Do you think she bought it?«, Jax questioned shortly after his mother had left.

»For the moment« Tara shrugged and got up. Silently she wheeled the cart over to the bed and put the IV bag on Jax's blanket.

»What are you doing?« he frowned watching his fiancée who was bent down in front of the cart. Then it began to dawn on him that he was not gonna like whatever it was that she had in mind. Tara, absolutely absorbed in the activities that comprised her daily routine, snatched a 18 gauge cannula and a Y-set - a Y-shaped plastic tube with three ways - alcohol pads, a tourniquet and a few other things.

»Tara? I thought it was for a colleague.«

»That was a lie too«, Tara stated soberly and caught Jax's right arm with her gloved hands in order to pull the tourniquet over it. »Adam agreed to discharge you, but only AMA.«

»Whatever.«

»Even consenting to an AMA release he had some conditions and I am fully committed to making sure you, no we, follow them, so don't waste your breath trying to argue« she explained and tightened the strap above his bicep.

»What conditions?«

»Your systolic BP has to stay stable over 100, you get the MRI and I take an EMT bag plus monitor with us«, Tara listed, ignoring the disbelieve written all over Jax's face. She spotted a budding cephalic vein on his wrist and tapped on it to make it better visible.

»Are you sure, you can do this?«, Jax asked with slight anxiety and withdrew his hand to escape from her tight grip and the ice-cold alcohol pad.

»Absolutely!«, she groaned loudly and recaptured his wrist. »The veins I usually puncture are a lot smaller than your drain pipes, remember? Don't act like a baby; the nurse already pricked you with her needles.«

»Yeah, THE NURSE not you! She does it all day long.«

»If you prefer a central line, I'm sure we've got all stuff we need here«, Tara replied aggressively.

»Are you threatening me with unnecessary surgical interventions?«, Jax blinked with a smile to calm her down.

»Have you been lying to me?«, she questioned and gently inserted the cannula into his vein, even though she felt like doing it a little more rough.

»Ouch« he complaint loudly, giving her at least a little satisfaction. She withdrew the needle, squeezed out some drops of dark red blood and fixed the catheter with a large band-aid.

»Well, have you?«

»Lied to you? About what?«

»Let's see … about feeling sick for example?«

»Tara … «

»Total disclosure, remember?«

»I do tell you everything. I didn't intent to lie or to hide that from you … but … but I was hoping it would go away.«

»Jax, sometimes you are a dumbass! I know all of this scares you … «

»I am not scared«, Jax assured her.

»Maybe you're not, but I am«, she revealed. »I'm scared like I was when I found out that you had been stabbed. Not knowing if you would pull through. Not being able to be by your side. All I could do was wait and pray and I am not the type for that. That uncertainty was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I was paralyzed. And now you've left me in the dark the way that they did back then.«

»I was as honest to you as I was to myself, Tara.«

»No you weren't. You should've told me about the palpitations and the fatigue and the damn dizziness. I don't expect you to come to me with a self diagnosis. You didn't have to wait until you had a damn name for it. I would've helped you sort this out. But no, you didn't say a word. Nothing! Are you even aware that this could kill you - all because you waited so long?«

»It won't! … It can't«, Jax replied a little too forcefully as he fought with himself.

»You have the beginnings of cardiac insufficiency Jax, and I don't know if we can stop that. Maybe it will be enough to fix your heart defect … «

»So what are you so angry about?«

»I'm not angry. I just want to make sure you don't hide anything from me again. I can take it Jax, I can take anything as long as I know about it when it is happening and not after the fact or when it is already too late«, she cried.

»Okay. I won't. I promise«, he assured her and raised his hand indicating to the catheter. »What do we do with that?«

»The pills take too long so Adam switched you to IV meds«, Tara stated as she continued to set up the drip. »Hmmm, I need an infusion pump«, she said to no one in particular.

»A what?« Jax asked but Tara was already on her way out of the door.


	7. Hidden

AN:Okay, I know, it took me some time …

but uhhh there is going on a lot. I finally threw Clay into the game, who is still waiting for his VP to show up while dealing with his slightly hysterical wife haunted by the past. Tara and Adam Learner have a nice little talk directly in front of a sleeping Jax. Things are still unsaid, other ones are hidden. They will stay that way – at least for a time.

**Tell me what you think and please review!**

* * *

Clay stood in the yard of Teller-Morrow as the sun baked the black leather of his kutte and tried to figure out what his wife wanted to tell him. Of course he had noticed that Jax, Gemma and Opie had vanished into thin air and none of them had been answering their cells but he couldn't make sense of any of it. Maybe his monstrous hangover was responsible for that. Or not. He was getting too old for that shit. Whatever the problem was, he needed his VP because they hadn't been able to discuss the cartel deal the evening before. The cocaine wouldn't wait for Jax to show up; it had to be dealt with now. But reliable information of Jax's whereabouts was nonexistent and it was well past noon when Gemma had finally called him.

»Wait, … wait, Gem.«

» … but they will be back. And now I am stuck at home because the damn babysitter isn't answering!« Gemma ranted.

»Back from where?«

»Didn't you listen?« his wife said angrily and Clay shrugged. At least he had tried to listen.

»So?«

»Tara had to take Jax to the hospital!«

He wondered how he could missed that detail the first time. Maybe it was because Gemma was SCREAMING at him. Not in rage, but in what? Desperation? Fear? Whatever it was, his ears were already ringing.

»What's wrong with him?« he asked just a little concerned.

»They said its nothing serious, dehydration from too much alcohol. What the heck were you guys doing last night? I … I almost … « she stumbled and Clay could hear the tears in her voice.

»Actually I don't know, just club business as usual like I already told you. Jury and a bunch of other members from the Nevada chapter showed up and crashed church with some of their … goods.«

»You mean working girls« Gemma specified.

»I mean, I have no idea how much alcohol my VP consumed and I am not his babysitter. He's a grown man.«

»He is my son!«

»And my step-son. Why are you so upset? You said it's nothing serious.«

»You didn't see him this morning, did you?«

»I didn't even know where he was, I was busy. Someone had to kick the prospects asses to get them clean up that mess!«

»He couldn't get up, Clay. He fucking couldn't stand on his own, when Tara found him. I felt like … «

»He is not Thomas«, Clay interrupted her gently. Now at least Gemmas emotional state made sense. He had been there, almost 21 years ago, he had watched a weak man break over his son's death and watched as a mother latched onto her only remaining child. And the mother – his wife – now had gotten a glimpse of a "what if" and it was too much for her to bear.

»I know, but for a second … «

»The Doc said he will be okay?«

»Yeah … «

»But what?«

»I've got a bad feeling Clay.«

»Do you think the Doc lied to you?«

»I don't think so, but when it comes to Jax none of us know what she is capable of.«

»Don't drive yourself crazy. I'll be home soon but I have to take care of something first«

»You don't have to come home, I'm fine.«

»You sure?«

»Yeah, besides I'm busy with the kids. Love you.«

»You too baby.«

Clay hung up and turned around. Chibs had been watching him from the door to the clubhouse but suddenly disappeared. He moaned while scratching his head and moved towards the entrance which had held SAMCROs medic just a second ago. On his way he dialed Jax's number and got his voice mail again. Damn, that boy better turn his cell back on before Clay gave him a real reason to be hospitalized.

••••••••••

Tara was watching Jax who had fallen asleep shortly after she had opened up the drips. He was exhausted. Exhausted from a night without sleep and being afflicted by palpitations, from trying to escape his medical prison and fighting with her. She wondered how he had hung on for so long. Now the two clear liquids were pumped with a steady rate into his veins – streaming through his system and hopefully taking effect. Tara blinked at the flow rate displays flashing from the two infusion pumps – again controlling if she had adjusted them like Adam had instructed her. The IV bag contained a mix of saline solution and dobutamine, a substance to stabilize Jax's blood pressure at a half-way acceptable level by increasing his heart's contractility and output. The syringe clamped into the second pump held mild diuretics to get the residual fluid out of his lungs.

She caressed his face carefully keeping an eye on his relaxed features as she checked the monitor again. Jax's O2-saturation had been dropping slowly, almost one percent every ten minutes, for the last half hour; although he was breathing constantly and at a decent rate. Surprisingly the door opened and Tara turned around. Adam entered and gave her a tired smile.

»How is he?« he asked and Tara shrugged.

»Out«, she stated soberly.

»Oxygen saturation is dropping?« he inquired after inspecting the monitor.

»Yeah, three percent, since we started the dobutamine« she confirmed.

The cardiologist nodded and plugged his stethoscope into his ears and withdrew the blanket covering Jax's bare chest. He checked his patient's lungs and heart, searching for new abnormal sounds – rattling in particular. No change. Tara could see it in his face.

»If he drops under 90 percent you can get him a nasal cannula but no more than two liters per minute. When he comes back to 98 percent you can reduce the flow. It's just a side effect« he instructed her and noted something on the clipboard.

»I know. When is he scheduled for the MRI?«

He looked down at the clipboard and frowned. »Half past five as long there is no emergency. I'm here until five. Putnam has the late shift.«

»When will you have time to take a look at the scans?«

»I'll do it first thing tomorrow. By the way, I ordered the reports from the San Joaquin County Hospital. We will have them in two days.«

»Good.«

»But Stockton shut us down.«

»They did what?« Tara asked not believing what she had just heard.

»They refused the delivery« he stated more precisely.

»Why?«

»I have no idea, Tara. But maybe the cause for your boyfriend's condition is in them.«

»Financé« she corrected him and caught his surprised glance.

»You are going to marry him?« he asked a little too shocked.

»Yeah. Do you have a problem with that?«

»Me? Um … no … of course not, I just didn't think he is what you imagined for your future.«

»What I imagined?«

»I mean, he's a mechanic and a … «

»Ex con? Look, Adam, he has no idea about how to fix TGAs or doing coronary artery bypasses but he can fix your car and save your life if you are kidnapped.«

»Oh my God, Tara. Kidnapped? What kind of world do you think we live in?«

»We? Probably not in the same one, Dr. Learner« she stated harshly and his face became soft.

»I'm sorry. You love him.«

»Since I was 16. Jax is the father of my children and the only man I have ever loved. He is far from perfect, I know that, but he has a good heart.«

»And a messed up one. Do you think he understands his situation?«

»I think he stopped listening when I asked you about the alpha adregenic antagonists« Tara smirked and lovingly took Jax's limp hand into her own.

»I can't blame him. But you and I both know it will be not enough to just simply close the shunt.«

»Maybe. But he doesn't need more than one problem at a time. How high is the possibility that he already developed pulmonary hypertension?«

»50 percent, maybe a little more. The right side of his heart looked good but the left side … at the moment I'm in the dark about what has caused the infection.«

»If there WAS an infection.«

»Did you see the x-ray? Unless his surgeon was a butcher something different was at work. I know Stockton, their infirmary is severely understaffed, most physicians are volunteers and the equipment is quite antiquated.«

»Damn, I tried to convince that bunch of idiots to hold him longer in the ICU. But no one wanted to listen, it was like no one wanted to tell me how he was.«

»Whatever the cause, you should tell him what he is to facing in a way he understands.«

»If I tell him the truth now … he won't believe me; and when he finally does, he'll get discouraged.«

»Better discouraged than dead. Leaving here AMA may be a suicide mission.«

»He needs to leave. There are things you and I don't understand. He is a stubborn ass. He didn't bleed out in that corridor where they left him to die, he didn't die during surgery and he survived the Stockton infirmary. And keeping him alive physically is not my only job...I have to keep him alive here as well« she explained as she laid her hand on her chest.

»I understand that, but … «

»Did you sign his papers?«

»Yeah … Tara, is there any chance to change your mind?« he asked her more than a little worried.

»My mind?« she echoed. »That doesn't need a lot. But his? That might take more than you know.«

•••••••••••

Jax awoke from a deep, dreamless sleep. Confused he touched his face to find an oxygen tube. His sight sharpened and he spotted Tara fast asleep in the chair next to him. Pleased, he noted that the dizziness was gone, as were the palpitations. Whatever she was pumping into his body was working even if he felt like he could sleep another 100 years. He fiddled with the tube till a loud moan escaped Tara's delicate lips.

»Leave it alone Jax.«

He let his hands sink and grimaced.

»You're so bossy.«

»Come on, you know you like it, don't you?« she smirked. »How are you feeling?«

»Better … um … can I get up?«

»Why?« she frowned, but caught his slightly desperate face. »Oh.«

»Yeah. Oh. So would you please unhook me from this stuff before the cavalry rushes back in?« he begged and twitched the oxygen tube.

»No« Tara shook her head. »I'm sorry. You have to stay in bed and I really don't want to have to explain to the nurse why I turned off the alarm without permission. Nurses can hold a grudge and I'm the one who has to work with them.«

»So?«

»I'll get you a bed pan.«

»This is not the time to be kidding with me.«

»I'm not.«

»It's embarrassing. Do you and my Mom enjoy beating me down with humiliation?«

»Sure« Tara snorted with laughter. »Usually you have no problem flashing your ass at the roadside in front of the rest of the club and now you start acting shy?«

•••••••••••

Tara waited outside the curtain she had drawn to give Jax at least a bit of privacy. Still smiling, unsettling thoughts crept in and rolled across her mind like dark clouds on the horizon. What would it be like when he really got weak? Jax bedridden? It wasn't something she had ever acknowledged as a possibility. It simply didn't fit into the picture of her world. Jax had never been someone who adjusted, who accepted. He would fight it until the last spark of life left his body – that she knew with every fiber of her being. How in the hell should she deal with that?

•••••••••••

How in the hell should he deal with this?, Jax asked himself while he was wheeled down the hallway. The world moved around him – no longer from being dizzy but from being moved without any motion of his own. He found it absurd – all the odd tubes and wires, displays with blinking lights and the oxygen cylinder – he must look like he was on his death bed. He felt carefully hidden memories slowly arise, pitch black glimpses of the past. It had seemed so unreal that day. That damn day he had wanted nothing more than to call Tara and instead had ended up nearly dead on a stretcher with almost all his blood drenching his cothes and skin with the rest of it drowning him from the inside. That stretcher most likely should have been his death bed. That day Jax had been sure that the passing ceiling tiles would be the last image he would take from this world. But today he felt nothing like that. Could it be? Was it possible that a man could be dying without noticing it? What had Tara really been trying to tell him?

Tara didn't know what Jax was thinking, she just smiled silently at him and clung to his left hand while walking next to his gurney.

••••••••••

They wouldn't let her go with Jax into the room with the huge MRI apparatus. Instead, she watched him being lifted by two nurses and a technician onto the retractable surface of the machine from the observation room. Efficient like a machine, they positioned him and got the monitoring wires and tubes out of the way. The technician reminded Jax to lay still and placed plugs in his ears before he going back to the observation room where Tara was standing. Despite the technician's disapproving glare, Tara hit the button for the intercom.

»Jax? Thirty minutes and I get you outta there, okay?«

Jax made some kind of agreeing sound, a little muffled. The tech then activated the program and the apparatus started its overwhelming cacophony of hammering noises. And it was at that moment that Jax's heart monitor start to blare.


	8. Hope

**AN:** Sorry guys to leave you for so long on this evil cliffhanger, I didn't intend to do that. All my apoligies.

Like everytime, I want to thank the LonePalm for her corrections, suggestions and closing the holes in my memories :D

**Disclaimer:** Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner, the nurse James and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

It took Tara a minute to get over the sudden shock and she quickly turned off the alert so she could think straight.

»Heart rate is 180, Respiratory rate is over 40« the tech informed her. She nodded her head, grabbed a pair of spare ear plugs and entered the room with the MRI machine. Sinus tachycardia, she thought between the hammering sounds; BP was up like before. Obviously Jax was in distress, but his heart might not be the cause – this time. He was simply panicking.

She never knew about him being claustrophobic. Maybe he wasn't, but today hadn't been a normal day. She had rendered him helpless and taken his independency all in an effort to protect him, but that could very well be taking its toll now. Panic, just bloody panic, she reminded herself as she approached the machine with Jax legs sticking out of it.

She bent down trying to see his face. He had to calm down before his stable rhythm went south and resulted in an arrhythmia - which he was predisposed to due to his heart defect.

»Jax?« she shouted trying to be heard over the noise, but he didn't react. He just stared absently at the ceiling of the tube he was lying in. »Jax?«

He was captured. No way out. Jax's surroundings passed in a blur and he had just one clear thought: I am dying. Dying without a last goodbye. Dying without a last kiss for Tara, without nuzzling Abel's soft blonde or kissing his head or even saying 'I love you' to his unborn baby that he would never see. Dying without having set things right. He just laid there under a strange, huge device with a tube shoved down his throat pressing air into his blood filled lungs and people screaming around him. He could smell the blood, he tasted its metallic flavor. The taste of death.

»When did we loose our way son?«

»I don't know Dad. I don't know when you did … I'm sorry.«

»There is no reason to be sorry« John Teller assured his son.

»Am I dead?«

»Not yet.«

»Just a matter of time« Jax mumbled dejectedly.

»A matter of will« his father replied.

»Yeah, I saw how well that worked. It took you two days 'til … «

»Tellers don't die easy.«

Jax smirked and blinked at his father, who wasn't wearing his kutte and struck him as odd.

»Funny, you're not the first person to tell me that.«

»What did you tell them?«

»The truth. You're right, Tellers don't die easy, we just die bloody. Was it it worth?«

»What?«

»Fighting a loosing battle for two days, convincing the people around you that you might come back only end up saying goodbye anyway?«, Jax hissed angrily. »It's would have been better to not fight at all, than torturing the people who loved you by giving them false hope.«

»What turned you into such a discouraged man Jax? What caused you to lose hope?«

»Lose hope? I thought I could change things, but no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, it didn't matter negate nothing ever changed. I took one step forward and two steps back and SAMCRO is gradually turning into a corpse. And now, I am too.«

»I understand your fear son.«

»You don't understand shit. I'm not scared.«

»You are and denying it isn't showing strength.«

»You think you're gonna teach me about strength? Really?«

»Don't give up Jax. I never wanted this life for you and I still believe in you.«

»You left when I was just a kid.«

»You were nearly a man. Fight Jax, not for me; fight for your children, for your old Lady and you'll find the right path.«

»It's too late. I'm done« he whispered.

»No! No you're not. I didn't fight to torture you. I fought because it was the only way to get back to you son. I wanted to live, so much, believe me. Like you, I wanted to make things right… «

»You died so you could get out!« Jax shouted. »You gave up and left us behind. You left me behind!«

»So don't make the same mistake I made! Be a better man, a stronger one! Succeed where I failed. But that won't work if you give up now Jax!« John Thomas Teller exclaimed loudly. »I don't want you to follow MY path Jax, I've always wanted you to find your own.«

»I don't know how!« Jax yelled.

»One step at a time. Survive Jax, survive and there is hope. Give up and there is only darkness. It's okay to be scared Jax; one day that will be the difference between life and death.«

Breathlessly he stared at his late father. The father he had missed for more than half of his life. Why had he come to him now? Was he was just a figment of his imagination a manifestation his dying brain and nothing more? Did it matter - he was fucking right. Jax Teller had never been the one to choose the easy way oy. Why start now? His father nodded in agreement as if he could read his mind.

»Never forget what I said«, JT reminded his son and disappeared.

»Mr. Teller? … You are at the San Joaquin County Hospital … Would you open your eyes for me? … Mr. Teller? … Jackson? Can you hear me?« a foreign voice forced its way through the veil that had risen between Jax and reality. »Open you eyes for me.«

Again an excruciating pain seared through his body, the urge to breathe grew strong and panic clenched an iron fist around his heart.

Fight, he reminded himself while evoking something to cling to – Abel and Tara, glimpses of deep friendship, the head wind in his face and rushing through his clothes – a promise of endless freedom. He forced himself to open his eyes, regardless of what he might have to face.

»Look at me« Tara demanded for the felt hundredth time. She had grabbed Jax's hand and squeezed it hard to get through to him. It had to hurt. Finally Jax blinked answering her plea. His eyes fixed on her and he made an attempt to move.

»No, Jax!« she shouted. »Lay still. Can you hear me?«

»I … I do« he shouted back.

»I want you to calm down. Can you do that for me?« she asked still concerned. »I'll stay here until you're done.«

The tech in the observation room gave Tara the okay signal and turned the monitor around so that she could verify what she already knew.

Jax slowly recovered from whatever had troubled him so deeply and he relaxed more and more as she held his hand. Tara didn't let him go, still talking to him, keeping him calm. It had only been a few minutes since the alerts went off and she was still shaken. She tried to remember how the day began. It seemed so long ago now. Lost in thought she caressed Jax's leg with her other hand while the MRI created an intricate image of her fiancés heart, layer by layer.

Jax owed her an explanation, he knew that, but couldn't give it to her. Not yet. What should he say? I had a little talk with my dead father? He had a nice vision of him telling her and her sticking him into a strait jacket. So he tried to smile at her after they got him back in his room, hoping it was enough to assure her that he was okay.

»What happened in there?« she asked. Smiling obviously didn't work.

»Just some bad memories, that's all.«

»A flash back?«

»No, I don't think so. I'm fine, Tara« he assured her.

»You scared me to death Jax. That makes three times - today.«

»Well at least two times weren't on purpose« he smirked and slowly sat up. »Take me home« he told, not asked her.

»What about the dizziness?«

»Gone.«

»And you're not just telling me what I want to hear?« she frowned and crawled onto his bed, inspecting his face, sensitive for every suspicious wince.

»I'd never intentionally betray your trust.«

»You should be careful promising that.«

»Not anymore and not about this. My promises don't fade that fast.«

»They shouldn't fade at all« she purred and fought the urge to kiss him. It didn't work very good, so she burrowed her hands in his short hair and kissed him with intensity fed by desperation and fear and also by love. She wished with all of her heart that they could really become one ... with a single heart and a single mind and never have to separate again.

Jax tasted all of jumbled emotions in her kiss and he carefully wrapped his arms around her fragile figure and pulled her closer to him. She could feel his heart beating through her clothes, his chest rising and falling.

Tara knew as long as there was just a little trace of life in him he would fight and as long he fought there would be hope. It was time to get him home, out of here; even if it wouldn't be for long.

The EMT bag was huge and heavy, packed with all the stuff she might need if worst came to worst. The worst – that thought made her blood run cold and left her shaking. She double checked the contents of the bag after she got it into the back of her van. First line drugs to respond to common problems like adenosine to treat a supraventricular tachycardia, advanced cardiac life support drugs in case he really crashed. God, when was the last time she had resuscitated an adult? Probably years. She knew the protocols were etched into her memory, unable to be erased, but this was Jax, not some stranger. Tara sent up a silent prayer that it never came to that, but she also knew there were no guarantees. Monitor, defibrillator and a ambu bag were in place, also the intubation set with endotracheal tubes, paralytic and sedative drugs and laryngoscope. She spotted more doboutamine and diuretics, enough cannulas to set twenty more peripheral accesses and a hand full of central line sets. James, a nurse with a long grey beard and circular glasses, walked up carrying an oxygen cylinder. He shoved the cylinder beside the bag and gave Tara an amused glance.

»You building your own hospital, Doc?« he smirked at her.

»Not yet« she replied and slammed the lift gate shut.

There were so many places to go and so few at the same time. Opie pushed his Harley down an unknown highway. Away, just away from here – wherever "here" was.

He tried to escape his mind, knowing that it wouldn't work. His cell was still turned off, cause there was no one on this planet he could or wanted to talk to, even not his new wife. Of course Lyla would understand his sudden grief, she would find a way to ease it if he told her the truth, but that was no longer an option. Jax had decided to hide what was going on with him and Opie would bear that weight with him whatever it might cost. So, there was no one left to talk to except for his best friend and his old lady, who had always been mercilessly honest with him.

He and Jax hadn't discussed his condition when they had been alone in his room. It wasn't a topic that they needed to chat about. It fell into the "no words needed" category that only existed between the very best of friends. Jax knew he had Opie's full support and commitment until the day he... There was no way he could loose Jax. Opie loved him like a brother, like a piece of himself, of his mind … of his soul, if he had one. He would face pain and death for him, even when he didn't always understand what Jax had in mind. Rough times laid behind them and Opie could feel that there were rougher ones ahead of them.

The vibration of his Harley continued on completely unimpressed and it soothed him a little bit. It sounded like a deep voice telling him not to lose hope.


	9. Home

AN: Okay, okay, I know that was a long break but I had a lot to do. Next one will come faster, I promise.

A big thank you to the LonePlam as ususal, for her time and her love she got for my story.

**Disclaimer:** Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner, the nurse James and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

Tara was gone and Jax couldn't stop wondering. Wondering about what he had seen, felt and said. What the hell had the power to make him revisit that long buried, a memory he never wanted to revisit again? Desperation never had had a face to Jax 'til that day 14 months ago, the day he thought he would never see his family again.

It was the second time he had seen his father since his death. First shortly after that bastard O'Neill had bombed the gun shipment at this abandoned barn in Ireland and the second time in prison in the midst of the overwhelming pain and fear Jax believed to be the last moments of his life. Thank God he has been wrong. So wrong.

He stared out of the window where the slowly sinking sun had started to paint the world in glimmering shades of gold and orange. Freedom was near again – and so were the reminders the of his reality too.

He remembered the promise he hesitantly had given Clay not much more than 24 hours ago. It was a Faustian pact, but it was the way out for Jax. The only way for him to get out clean and maybe … maybe set things right track for the club in the process. With Clay retiring and Opie as president SAMCRO would have a chance. And with Jax out, he would finally have one for himself and his family as well - a future far away from Charming and this life. A future Tara had dreamed of since she was a child, the same future she had left him 13 years earlier to try and find.

Jax wasn't fooling himself, he knew that there were a lot ifs and buts and inevitably there would be a heavier price to pay. SAMCRO, his brothers, would have to pay and so would Opie and Jax - one way or the other. Trafficking drugs for a cartel was not an easy deal and right now everything, quite literally everything, was hinging on that vote.

Before Tara had left to get the car, she had finally freed him from the oxygen tube. A small victory over … yeah, over what? His body over the vitals monitor? Jax rubbed his face. It was time to do something, because this laying around was driving him crazy, even though it had only been a few hours.

»You ready?« Tara asked an unbelievable impatient looking Jax while she bent over him to disconnect him from the monitoring wires. All the papers were signed, Dr. Putnam had given his okay and the car was waiting near the main entrance. There was no reason to wait any longer, except for the feeling deep down her stomach.

»I was ready yesterday« Jax moaned in response and sank back into his pillow, letting her do her job.

»Yeah sure« she nodded her head.

»How am I?« he blinked up to Tara, who gave the dying monitor a last glance, before it went black.

»Better than this morning, but that doesn't mean good.«

»Are you mad at me?«

She was surprised. It hadn't seemed like he had been all that concerned about her feelings today, he had been too busy fighting with her. She paused and asked herself, if she was mad at him and answered »No, I'm not.«

»But you got this … expression on your face.«

»Jax,« she began and sat down next to his legs. »Don't think that I don't understand you, because I do. I know that this is how you deal with things, it's who you are. I love you and I will stay by your side whatever may come. How long have we been engaged? A minute? I said yes, because I know who you are and because I don't get mad if you are just yourself.«

»You are mad« Jax grinned.

»Maybe« she smiled and shut down the IVs.

Back in his clothes and free from all of the wires and tubes, Jax started to feel like himself again. They were on their way to pick up Abel and Thomas, just as Tara had promised Gemma they would. It was after 9 pm when Tara stopped the car in front of the house.

»I'll be back in no time.«

»I'm coming with you« Jax claimed and Tara looked down on the catheter next to his wrist.

»Do you want your mother to kill you now or later?« she asked jokingly but with a trace of real fear.

»Me?« he smirked. »You're the one who lied to her.«

»I was the first« she specified and pursed her lips.

»She won't see it« Jax whispered and grabbed an old, stretched out sweatshirt with "reaper crew" printed on the chest out of the backseat floorboard and put it on. The sleeves were so worn out that they almost covered his finger tips. »Come on. Let's get our sons.«

»Jax!« Gemma stated obviously surprised to see her son on his feet.

»Hey Ma« he replied soberly and pushed her gently backwards into the living room, followed by Tara.

»You're okay?«

»Sure« he nodded and spotted a sleeping Abel on the sofa and Thomas in his crib next to it. »We just wanted to pick the boys up. How long have they been asleep?« Jax ignored his mother's troubled state of mind. He knew it was the best way to assure her he was fine.

»Um, Thomas fell asleep while I fed him shortly after seven and Abel was lulled to sleep by Thomas & Friends.«

»Thomas & Friends?« Jax repeated confused.

»It's a talking locomotive« Tara whispered smiling in amusement and lifted Thomas - smacking in satisfaction - from his crib and gently placed him into his car seat. At the same time it grieved her that Jax had missed so much while he was in prison - especially some very special and significant parts of his sons' lives. »Are you going to get Abel?«

»Yeah« Jax nodded and passed his mother as he walked over to the sofa. Although Abel was light as a feather, lifting him was astonishingly exhausting. Yeah, he was tired, Jax told himself and snuggled the limp figure of his son onto his chest, resting his kid's head on his shoulder. He wouldn't be able to hold him like this for long. It seemed like all energy was drained from his body.

Sometimes Jax's face was an open book – especially to Tara – and in those moments, she could almost read his mind, the good and the bad. And that is exactly what was happening at that very moment and Jax caught the concern on Tara's face when she realized what he was thinking and feeling.

»We should go« she turned to Gemma and waited for Jax to move.

»Night Ma« Jax mumbled and hurried out of the room.

»He's just tired« Tara excused him, when she saw Gemmas disappointed face.

»Is he really okay?« the mother asked as worry occupied her features.

Tara simply wanted to give her the answer she wanted to hear, but wasn't quite able to bring herself to do it. Something deep inside her kept her from doing it. Instead she just whispered »I will take of him« and left without another word.

Outside Tara caught up with Jax, who was walking slowly towards the car. Abel's fair head laid on his shoulder. He was still sleeping.

»Jax?« she spoke. He stopped and turned around. Tara could see by the silver light of the risen moon that his eyes were filled with tears. She honestly couldn't recall the last time she had seen him look so vulnerable.

»I'll take the backseat« he stated and all she could do was nod.

Jax rubbed Abel's back while they quickly drove through the Charming night with all its warm lights, the intense smell of heated asphalt and the inky dark blue sky above it. He had called this place home all of his life, but not for any longer. It had been one of the biggest lessons of his life; home wasn't a place - home was here in this very moment with Tara and their kids. They were his heart, no matter where he may go or whatever the alien looking muscle in his chest would do. And it must have heard him because it started to stumble – again.

She found Jax and Abel sleeping on the backseat. She quickly made sure that Jax was still conscious by pinching him on the back of his hand.

»That wasn't nice« he grumbled with closed eyes.

»No, but it was necessary. I'll come and get you later« she whispered as she opened the passenger door to get Thomas.

On her way to the front door she spotted a Harley parked in the shadow of a tree near the house. It wasn't Jax's, but it looked familiar to her. Maybe it was Opie's.

As she expected, the door wasn't locked and she pushed it open.

»Clay?« she exclaimed, taken aback to see her father-in-law sitting on their sofa, »What are you doing here?«

»My VP disappeared without a word, all your cells are turned off and then my wife calls me and tells me he was taken to the hospital. I was worried.«

»Sorry, we didn't intend to worry anyone. «

»So where is he?«

Tara went over to Clay and put Thomas' car seat next to him on the sofa. The old man's expression softened when he saw his grandson, and it eased the discomfort Tara felt every single time she was alone with Clay.

»In the car« she replied and pointed at the door. »He is getting Abel.«

»Is he okay?«

Tara knew where this conversation would lead, if she let it continue. But she wasn't going to let it go there, not this time. She squared her shoulders and banished every hint of a tremble from her voice.

»He needs to rest.«

»He can rest later. I need him. Now.«

»No way.«

»Gemma said he was okay.«

»So why do you have to ask? I won't let him go.«

»That's not your decision. He has a duty and he knows that.«

»He isn't going anywhere tonight.«

»I don't want to fight with you Tara.«

»Then stop it« Tara spat harshly and took Thomas.

»Clay?« Jax's voice came from the front door and Tara turned around. He was looking worn out as he carried Abel over his shoulder.

»There you are!« Clay uttered and got up but Jax went straight to the nursery. Tara decided, that it would be the best to follow him and left Clay in the living room alone. As she reached Jax he just had laid his son into his bed and covered him with a blanket.

»Jax?«

»I'm not going with him. I promise« he answered her unspoken plea. »I'm not going anywhere tonight… I literally feel like I can't go anywhere.«

»I know« she breathed and embraced him from the back.

»But let ME deal with him. Not you.«

»Alright.«

He kissed her on the forehead and left. She didn't feel the need to be a fly on the wall during this conversation, so she took Thomas to his nursery and put him in his crib and left her sons with the calm sounds of a music box playing to them into sweet dreams.

When she returned to the living room she found it empty. First she thought Clay had talked Jax into leaving with him after all, but the mutted sounds coming from the bedroom proved her wrong. Jax was there sitting on the bed, trying to take the sweatshirt off.

»Oh stop that!« Tara cried out with a vision of him tearing out the cath. »I can't watch you do that.«

Jax let the shirt go and raised his hands while Tara maneuvered his hands out of the sleeves.

»What did you tell Clay?«

»You don't want to know.«

»Really?«

»I put the blame on you« he grinned.

»Whatever« she rolled her eyes. »Can you get out of that t-shirt by yourself without causing a bloodbath? I need to get some more stuff from the car.«

»I'll do my best« Jax nodded and gave the catheter a sceptical glance.

He didn't moan or complain when she returned with the EMT-bag and started to reconnect him with to the monitor. It surprised her a little, but truthfully, it scared her more. Secretly she wished he would try to negotiate and call its necessity into question. His rhythm had started to get messy again, not much, but enough to make him feel the palpitations.

»I reduced the alert limits« she explained and wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his arm. »So they may wake us up with false alarms.«

»Why?«

»I would like to sleep tonight and a false alarm tto much is better than a serious one too late.«

»Makes sense« he nodded. »Don't be worried.«

»Shut up. You pushed me to do this, so let me be worried if I want to« she replied as she slipped out of her jeans. Jax didn't respond, but watched her silently. Tara quickly and quietly got undressed slipped into bed. She nestled up again his back and hugged him, resting her hand over his heart, looking at the monitor and the EMT-bag one last time and then she tried to follow Jax into the dream world that he had drifted of into the second his head hit the pillow.

* * *

**TBC**


	10. Sleepless

**AN:** Yeah, a new chapter, a little faster, like promised. I try to keep it up this way and update every week.

Next chapter is already in the making. It will be much longer and packed full with … I don't gonna spoil you! :D But that one has to last for two weeks, 'cause I am going on a backpacking trip through Scotland. Means no MacBook and no internet. You're gonna survive it, I'm sure about that.

As always I'm gonna mention the LonePlam, who is a great support for my story and its quality.

**Disclaimer:** Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner, the nurse James and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

Sleep was not an option. Something kept Tara mercilessly awake. She couldn't name it. Couldn't touch it. So the only thing left for her to do was to listen to Jax's steady breathing. As long that remained, everything would be okay. _Sleep_, she told herself in mind. _Sleep, because you will need it._ But she couldn't. She just stared into the blackness behind her closed eye lids, where shapeless thoughts swirled around.

The clock displayed 2:04 am  
when Jax stirred and turned onto his back. His heart rate was elevated. The last half hour it had been a permanent up and down, like his heart was unable to decide what it wanted to do. Torn apart between two worlds; like Jax himself. He had made a decision. He had promised her to leave this life behind. This place. And now Tara found herself wondering if they would really ever leave. If Jax had a plan to get out clean he hadn't let her in on it. He had said that he simply wanted to wait, sit it out 'til the old man at the head of the table retired. But even Tara knew that it wouldn't be that easy, especially when time wasn't a card Jax had in his hand. He literally had to have something up in his sleeve. Maybe not yet. Maybe there was no plan. She had no idea. She just knew that the sooner they left, the better chance they had of having a normal life.

But if worst came to worst, there would be no need for him to get out, because there would be no life left for him to live. Tara knew that, she saw it every day. Jax didn't. She couldn't imagine what was like for him to realize that he wasn't immortal, how it felt to see the only thing he ever could rely on falling apart. Not even Tara could bear that. It ripped her own heart into pieces. Jax simply wasn't immortal, not even unbreakable.

She crawled out of the bed and looked around, kind of restless, kind of disturbed. Then she sat down between Jax and the EMT-bag to do what? Keep watch? She rolled on her knees and checked the contents of the bag – again and again and again. In her mind she went through resuscitation protocols, drug dosages and … and – fuck she was driving herself crazy. _Nice diagnose Doc,_ she thought. Sitting on the floor, in the middle of the night, like a maniac juggling with supra vials and whispering administration quantities. Well it was corollary, she clung on what she had learned. It was the only thing she could do as long there was no one to talk to, no one who could ease her pain. Tara sighed and got up. She assured herself that the alerts were set on the highest volume and went down the hall to the nursery.

And Tara was not the only restless soul in Charming. Opie had made it home, barely. He had felt like driving to the woods, laying down and never getting up again, but he didn't. Instead, he had turned his cell back on, confronted with a huge amount of missed calls, and had called his wife, told her that he was okay and would be home soon. That had been a few hours ago. When he got home all lights were turned out. The children and Lyla were fast asleep and he went out on the porch with a bottle of Jack in his hand and just a poor attention to the ocean of sparkling dots above his head.

There he sat, drinking 'til his fingers got numb and his mind followed suit. The grief he was feeling was overwhelming and he was certain he would never be able to share his desolate thoughts with anyone.

The morning light crept silently into the nursery. Tara yawned with pleasure and looked down on Abel who had snuggled up to her. For a moment she had forgotten why she woke up in her son's bed, but the reality hit her hard and she was startled. She freed a strand of her hair from Abels grip and got up.

»Mommy?« he opened one eye and she petted his head.

»Shhh, sleep. Mommy has to check on Daddy« she whispered and kissed him on the cheek.

»Daddy here?« Abel opened his other eye too and Tara knew that she had lost this game.

»Yeah baby, Daddy is here. Don't you remember? He put you to bed« she nodded and Abel was on his feet in a second.

She grabbed him around his waist and made her way to the bedroom. Jax was still sleeping and Tara dropped Abel at her side of the bed. She could see in his anxious face that the monitoring stuff attached to his father scared him. That was just the way it was – a two year old couldn't understand that. Tara sat down behind Abel and laid her hand onto Jax's chest.

»It's okay sweetheart« she assured him and laid his hand next to hers.

»Tiggle?« Abel asked.

»If Daddy is ticklish?« Tara asked in reverse and Abels eyes grew wide in agreement.

»Go and try it!« she encouraged him and watched her son tickling the sides of his father's waist. Right on cue Jax started to chuckle and twist under the touch.

»Oh no!« he moaned amused. »Please … uh … I can't … stop … I can't hold out … oh Jesus!«

But Abel had no mercy and continued laughing and squealing as he tickled his daddy with his small fingers, ignoring the alien wires he was first scared of. Jax watched Tara above his son's head without stepping out of character and continued to moan.

»How are you feeling?« she asked after a quick glance at the monitor.

»Like I am made of glass« he smirked.

»Eh?«

Jax pointed his finger at the monitor. »You always consult this thing first and then you ask me how I feel. What can I say that this machine hasn't said already?« he muttered displeased. Abel had stopped his little game of torture and started showing interest for his own toes.

»I'm sorry Jax. It's just routine. Most of my patients can't answer my question properly« Tara apologized and Jax nodded forgivingly.

»I'm fine. Really. It's like it always was. I feel shitty for a few hours and then everything goes back to normal. No dizziness, no palpitations not a hint of weakness, nothing.«

»How often has that happened?«

»Um, I don't know. Eight or nine times.«

»Why didn't you tell someone?«

»I did, but Stockton wasn't a place to complain about things you couldn't name.«

»But they were very well aware of your injuries.«

»I did … it was one time, I went to the doc there, after I was released from the infirmary, and I told him; but he said it was normal and that I had to heal and that it could take months 'til the symptoms would disappear.«

»And why didn't you tell me?«

»You're kidding right? You were shaken when all that happened – and pregnant and almost alone. I wanted to give you time to recover from that. How could I dump problems on your shoulders that you couldn't solve? You needed to know that I was gonna be fine and that you didn't have to worry anymore. At least not about that.«

»And after you got out?«

»Hey, that was just a few days ago and I felt good. There was a lot more important stuff I had to tell you.«

»I know« she smiled.

»Daddy!« Abel tried to get his fathers attention.

»Looks like I'm out of the picture« Tara asserted and got up from the bed. »Breakfast?«

»You think you could cut me loose from all of this? So I could help you with the breakfast« Jax asked waving his hand towards the array of monitoring equipment.

»I'd prefer that you stick with that a little longer. Just to be sure.«

»Come on babe, set me free« Jax begged playfully winking at her.

Tara frowned. »Okay, but you take it slow and the pulseoxy stays where it is.«

»Deal! But you gotta tell me what the "pulseoxy" thing is?« he smirked.

The pulseoxy was the red flashing clamp on his finger tip that measured his pulse and his oxygen saturation. Perfect – and it was the only thing that made using the coffee machine incredibly difficult. Tara had banished him to a chair at the table next to Abel, who was sitting in his high chair and painting the leaflet of a pizzeria with a bright blue crayon, while Jax tried to fill the coffee into the filter of the machine. The damn monitor stood at the middle of the table and displayed only two values and a clock which caught Jax's attention.

»It's 6:44 am« he stated a little aghast.

»Yep, sure is« Tara agreed, as looked inside the refrigerator and reappeared with four eggs. »How many do ya want?«

»How many do we have?«

»Ha ha, so your appetite is back?«

»I never said that it was gone.«

»Jax, you barely nibbled on dry toast yesterday … «

»You got me« he held held his hands up in defeat. »Should this o2 saturation thing not be a hundred?«

»What value is it displaying?« Tara asked turning to look at Jax.

»98 percent« he read.

»That's perfect. Only superman got 100 percent.«

»Superman?« Abel echoed exited.

»You let him watch that shit?«

»Don't blame me, I was a single mom for over a year, so sometimes the boob tube served as babysitter« she chuckled and cracked the eggs.

»Your Mom made her life veeeery easy« Jax explained with all the seriousness he could muster to his son and took the crayon out of his hand before he could chew on it. »Yuck, nobody wants you with blue teeth, bud.«

»Someone should take this bike over to Jax's« Clay claimed and pointed at his son's Harley. He got off of his own bike and looked over the crowded garage parking lot. It was barely 8 am and most of the mechanics at Teller-Morrow were already busily at work and so was Opie.

»I'll do it« he replied cleaning his oil-smeared hands with an old towel walking up to Clay.

»Alright« Clay nodded and lowered his head. »You were with him yesterday?«

»Yeah« Opie nodded.

»Don't you ever turn off that cell again« the old biker reminded him harshly and turned to leave but stopped. »And tell the others I want to see everyone at chapel. 9 am sharp.«

The sound of his Harley was so distinct that he could pick it out of a hundred just by its sound. When Jax heard it approaching the driveway he got up quickly, fortunately without getting dizzy.

»What … « Tara began but he cut her short and wagged his finger with the pulsoxy.

»Take it off« he begged and met her angry face. »You said it looks fine.«

»Yeah, but … « she sighed and nodded resigned. »Take it off yourself and hit the blue button on the back.«

»I love you« he replied and headed to the bedroom.

»That won't work every time« she yelled after him and got up even before she heard the knocking. When she opened the door, Opie stood on the other side.

»How is he?« was the first thing out of his mouth.

»Better« Tara stated and closed the door behind him.

»Clay is on his way. I just came by to drop off his bike.«

»Clay? What does he want?«

»He called church.«

»Church?«

Jax heard them talking while he pulled the sweater over his head and checked himself in the mirror. No suspicious adhesives or tubes were visible. He slipped into his kutte, fastened his knife onto his belt and grabbed a zippered sweatshirt. He walked into the kitchen where he found his best friend and Tara watching him in concern.

»I know … « Jax raised his hands defensively.

»You're kidding, right?!« Tara spat.

»You know Clay. He is like a dog, sinks his teeth into your ankle and won't let go just because you ask him to. I have to take care of this. I will be back in no time.«

»Can we talk alone?« Tara asked Jax walking towards him.

»Hey, I have to leave anyway« Opie stated and nodded to the door. »Juice is waiting outside in the truck.«

»See you the chapel« Jax nodded and waited for Opie to shut the door.

»Jax! I thought we were finished with that!«

»We were. I will be just at the clubhouse.«

»Do you know, that I didn't sleep more than one hour last night because I was worried that I could miss an alert? That that worry was eating me up inside?«

»I'm sorry for that.«

»Yeah, you're sorry but you don't act like it« she started ranting, but suddenly changed her mind and sighed. »I'm sorry.«

»Tara? … For what?«

»For trying to change you.«

»You're not. I know you're worried. And if I were in your place, I would be going nuts« he admitted. »Look, the day before yesterday I made Clay a promise. That promise gives me my way out. But I have to do some things to make that happen and attending church right now is a part of that.«

»I'm scared, Jax« Tara whined and Jax wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly.

»I've got a least a few hours 'til it all goes to shit again. That's long enough to get through church and buy me some more time.«


	11. No man's land

**AN:** A new day, a new chapter! I'm sorry that I didn't post this chapter before I departed, but to compensate that I made it much more longer.

For your consideration, this chapter will differ to the last ones, where I mostly focussed on relationships and family. This one won't skip that but I added some very graphic descriptions of unpleasant things and there will be violence. That's the reason why I, just to be sure, wrote in the summary: **tendency to M rating**

As usual I want to thank the LonePalm for juggling so nice with my messed up phrases.**  
**

**Disclaimer:** Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner, the nurse James and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

To follow the canon of the show I have borrowed some single lines from episode 2 of season 4, simply because I think that some things don't change.

* * *

She had hesitantly let Jax go. This was stupid. Simply idiotic and she had regretted it since the moment she had closed the door behind him. She had a bad feeling about a bad idea. Tara wouldn't know how bad until later.

At the moment Tara didn't have time to worry about anything because even though the morning with Jax had been a pleasure for her and their boys it had left her with a lot to do. She had decided to follow him to Teller-Morrow instead of waiting for Gemma, who usually looked after Abel and Thomas while she was at work. But taking the boys to her meant getting the kids dressed, Thomas fed, cleaning up the kitchen at least a little bit and getting a shower and some clean clothes for herself. Suddenly she got angry about Jax's sudden departure. Not because he was driving her crazy with worries but for leaving her with all the work.

•••••••••

They washed over him like rain while he was on the road. Doubts. About simply everything. With his bike vibrating under him everything always became clearer. Big-picture things. Jax knew he was on his way to do something that might make them all a lot of money, but certainly didn't mean that it was something good.

He hadn't had a lot of time to think about Clay's demand at the junk yard and later, when Juri had shown up there had been even less; it wasn't until deep in the night that he was able to get a moment to himself to really ruminate on it. Jax remembered sitting in a corner with an ice cold beer in his hand, watching Tig face down in the lap of some random girl, Juice and Chibs decorating the face of a blissfully snoring Bobby with permanent marker and Opie sandbagging some of the Nevada members at the pool table. There had been music and laughter and girls screaming while the guys where chasing them with Tequila shots and ice cubes.

It had been a great party but the only thing Jax had been able to think of was his brothers' possible reaction to Clay's and, allegedly, his plan. That had been the moment something in him had started to stumble – actually his heart – almost as if it was trying to stop him from going along with that shit. He had to admit it had worked … at least for a day.

Jax couldn't help but wonder if it would happen again, this time while they were all gathered around the table, revealing a truth he had known for so long but wouldn't admit to anyone - not even himself. "Why didn't you tell me?" Tara had asked him. Because he didn't want to believe it, he didn't want to believe that it was actually happening to him. He told himself that he had to tow the line, just a few hours until the vote was over. Then he would take some time off, drop off of the radar and let the doctors fix whatever they thought they needed to.

Jax approached the yard of Teller-Morrow, parked his Harley at the end of the long line of bikes and headed directly to the clubhouse. On his way he got rid of his jacket. It was damn hot under all of those layers of fabric and he already felt the sweat running down his back.

Inside he met some curious glances, but no one dared to say anything to him. Yeah, there definitely had been rumors, so to deal with them head on Jax raised his head, put a smirk on his face and greeted who ever he met as if the last 24 hours never had happened. Business as usual. He entered the chapel and found Clay already waiting at the head of the table. Jax sat down, put his pack of smokes in front of him and stared at them indecisively.

»I thought you are on your way to my place.«

»Had some stuff to do and Ope said YOU were already on your way.«

»Yeah. Took a few minutes.«

»You're good?« his stepfather asked as he lit one of his sweet smelling cigars.

»I told you yesterday, I'm fine. Tara was just a little over-concerned.«

»Nobody blames her for that after all you have been through, but she should remember that as an old lady she has duties too.«

»What? To obey?« Jax asked a little upset.

»To back off, when she is told to« Clay replied imperiously.

»But not from YOU« his stepson stated determined and stared over the table.

The President raised his hands and nodded. Jax leaned back. He had more pull than Clay in this moment and fighting over non-issues didn't get either one of them any closer to their goal. They both knew that.

»You think the vote will go through?« Jax frowned and grabbed the rumpled pack of smokes.

»I hope so. That's why you are here«

»Negative. I'm here because it's still my club.«

»Whatever … You know, we'll have to vote later, Happy, Kozik and Miles aren't back yet.«

»Yeah, but that's not the point. I am asking, because you obviously told Romeo that SAMCRO is on board.«

»There were only two possible answers: Yes or no. In or out. Me, I prefer to get on board instead of watching the deal go to someone else … You're still with me, aren't you?«

Jax looked down at the polished surface of the redwood table which reflected a distorted version of his face, he wasn't even able to recognize himself. Maybe it wasn't caused by the table.

»Sure« he nodded and a satisfied smile spread over Clay's face.

»Good.«

They became silent and for a moment there was only the muffled sounds from the clubhouse and a clock ticking. Jax literally heard the time go by maybe even slip away like sand through his fingers. He looked up.

»After the vote I am taking a few days off. Just Tara, me and the kids.«

»Jax … «

»That's not negotiable. They need it … and I do too. I have a son who I have barely seen … «

»It's okay« Clay gave in suddenly. »I understand.«

»You do?« Jax asked unbelievingly but didn't get an answer.

»They're coming« Clay nodded in direction of the bar and they watched the rest of the members approach the chapel. It was 9 am sharp.

•••••••••

Their reactions had been like Jax had expected them to be. He already could sense the rift in the club. And even the stubborn silence his best friend kept up was a symptom of that. Opie was driving. Clay had sent them to the Wahewa land for a long overdue check-in with them. He had mentioned to Jax that they hadn't heard a word from the Wahewa since SAMCRO hadn't showed up the day before like scheduled. What he hadn't said was that he thought that the lost day had been Jax's fault. He hasn't said but implied it clearly.

»Really?« Jax broke the silence. »Nothing to say?«

Opie's eyes remained straight ahead. Then he shook his head.

»I am still trying to figure out what had happened to you in the last 24 hours. Could that bum ticker of yours be affecting your brain?«

»Wow, harsh« Jax smirked and watched his friend. »This is not about that.«

»So about what is it? This is way too shortsighted for you. Do you feel like your time is running out?«

»Come on, Ope. Nothing is running out.«

»Tara doesn't agree.«

»What did she tell you?«

»Not much. You're still ignoring the unpleasant, aren't you?«

»Right now it's the only way I can deal with that shit.«

»Exactly that's it: Shit.«

»Not at all.«

»So why are you pushing this cartel deal with Clay?«

»What did you think about while you were in?«

»Donna. The kids.«

»Me, too. Tara and my boys. Over and over again. When you're inside your family is the only thing that matters … I just want to be a good father.«

»And muling cocaine through Charming is the best way to do that?«

»Earning big is … Look I know running with the cartel is serious shit, but I don't wanna live hand to mouth anymore … I want something more for my boys.«

»Then just keep living.«

»What are the hell you are talking about?«

»I'm talking about what you're still trying to deny. I had to pick you up off of the floor and I saw the fear in your old lady's face. Man, that woman loves you so much and you don't have the balls to face the facts. You leave her alone with that.«

»What facts? That I could die?« Jax cried upset. »I did face it! I had to and if you ever had experience it, you would never want to go through it again!«

»Hey bro, I didn't mean it like that.«

»How did you mean it then? You don't know how this feels and I truly hope you never do. I felt the desperation suck out every hint of hope and I just slipped away into a deep hole full of darkness and there was nothing left but screams, angst, blood and pain.«

»But you aren't alone anymore Jax!« Opie interfered. »This isn't Stockton! You've got your family and your friends who are here for you and we will catch you if you fall, we will take care of you when you need it.«

»Nice speech, but in the end I will have to deal with that alone.«

»No, bud. You just have to stop acting like an ass.«

»Let's make a deal.«

»I think I have heard enough about deals today.«

»Let me pretend that I am okay as long as I can stand on my feet and when I can't, I'll embrace self pity like you guys want me too.«

»Jax, yesterday was a whole Jax-Teller-self-pity-party« Opie smirked.

»Shut up. I'm serious.«

»Me too. You know, I will cover you as long as I can … «

»Yeah, I know« Jax nodded but caught Opies glance.

» … but I won't let you kill yourself.«

•••••••••

Tara got out of the shower and wrapped a fluffy towel around her body. She made a happy face to Thomas who was watching her from his car seat on the floor.

»Here we are again« she smiled and her baby boy followed her movements curiously. Abel came from the living room, chewing on something … _oh, colorful._

»Abel! Stop that« she cried out and bent down to get the remains of a yellow crayon. »Did you swallow any of that? … No, you didn't … Geez baby. Daddy already said that you should not eat those.«

Abel had just an innocent smile for her and shook his head.

»Alright« Tara sighed and began to dress herself. The phone rang when she stuck her head through her t-shirt. She got Thomas and gently pushed Abel through the hallway into the kitchen.

»Knowles.«

»Tara, it's Adam. How was your night?«

»Awesome« Tara yawned sarcastically.

»I warned you.«

»Yeah, thanks. It was okay« she admitted. »He was stable. No arrhythmia and no coding. BP stayed up, also o2 saturation.«

»Sounds like a miracle.«

»Eh?« Tara frowned and started putting the remaining crayons into a box.

»I have to talk to Jackson.«

»You can tell ME.«

»I am HIS doctor.«

»I know … «

»Tara, where is he?«

•••••••••

Clouds of sand, dust and dry mud enveloped the truck as Jax and Opie approached the wide range of the Wahewa land. This part of the reservation was miles away from any hint of civilization and even other Wahewa settlements. It was a safe house – a protected space – the location of which was only known by a select few. But that didn't mean much anymore because too much had already happened and there was more than enough bad blood to go around.

Jax jumped out of the truck and a thin film of dust settled on his white sneakers. This was a hot, arid and dry land and the heat had already begun to build up underneath his shirt, hoodie and kutte. Opie caught up with him and looked around. It was quiet. There were no sounds except for a light breeze gently whistling through the dry scrub trees. Even the usually singing birds were silent. Jax headed for the door of one of the small buildings.

»Hello?« Jax called and entered the room. »Running Mouth?«

There was nothing there except for palettes of shiny copper ammunition, boxes full of brass jackets and orphaned presses.

»Nobody there?« Opie asked as Jax returned, shaking his head. They turned and went in the direction of another small metal building with a rusty truck parked nearby; it was covered with dust just like everything else. It hasn't been moved for a while. Just before they passed it Jax threw his arm out holding Opie back.

»No« he whispered.

»What is it?«

»Do you hear that?«

Suddenly Opie became aware of a distant, muffled sound, a soft humming like a swarm of …

»Flies« Opie agreed and his nose told him what had attracted so many of them. The sweet and sickening smell of death. It didn't take long for putrefaction to set in on a dead body out there, making it almost unrecognizable within a day or two.

They kept walking and a dark cloud of flies scattered from the corpse of a man surrounded by his rifle and empty bourbon bottles.

»Has to be Running Mouth« Jax stated as he covered his mouth with his sleeve and drew his glock. Opie shrugged but reached for his gun as well.

»Hard to say, but possible.«

»What do ya think? How long … « Jax wanted to know and gave the dark discolored and bloated body a last glance. Bullet wounds became visible, but the once red blood around them had turned into black scabs. They should have been here yesterday.

»A day, maybe … Not your fault« Opie shook his head.

»Not the point, but I'd like to avoid uninvited guests.«

Jax checked the surroundings and nodded to the building behind the dead body.

»I'll take the … «

But Jax didn't get to finish his sentence. A huge black SUV headed for them fast and the first shots ripped the silence in pieces even before the two men could run for cover. Opie grabbed Jax, who was already firing back, but his shots were bouncing off of the SUV like it was made of pure steel.

»Fuck man« Jax ranted gasping, as they took cover behind the rusty truck, and checked his magazine. »You okay?«

»I'm fine« Ope stated as flinched from the impact of a new barrage of fire that shook the truck even as they leaned against it. The SUV had stopped close by and Jax got up for another shot but bent down as fast as he could, when bullets flew over his head.

»Russians … Three of them« Jax coughed.

»They cut us off from my truck?« Opie asked already knowing the answer.

»Yep.«

»Can you run?«

»'Course« Jax nodded and blinked, looking in the only direction that was left for them. They had just one chance: To find better cover and three clean shots.

They heard the Russians approaching the truck. No time left to hesitate.

»Go!« Opie hissed and Jax dashed off followed by his best friend. They ran down the rough path, covered themselves with several shots and passed a fence. The Russians were already on their trail. They heard the men running and the SUV speeding towards them. Jax turned around and fired two shots at one of the men and hit him in the arm. Blood spread in the air behind him like a dark red mist.

»That was my last round!« he shouted to Opie. They ran up on another fence, this one was at least 6 feet tall with no gate in sight. So Jax hoisted his body, which felt like it weighed a thousand times more than it should, up and over the top of the fence, with Opie covering him. As the Russians approached the bullet impacts got closer. Fortunately neither of the Russians could shoot for shit. Jax climbed over, hit the ground on the other side and caught Opie's gun. Opie quickly climbed over as well while Jax laid down cover fire for him. In front of them laid nothing but parched scrubland and a mercilessly blazing sun.

Opie was already running ahead of Jax when the Russians battered the fence with their SUV down. It made a horrible, clanging noise and Jax turned around. He realized, that there was nowhere left to run for him, because he was seriously struggling to take each breath and he was already bone tired – unsure if he physically had the wherewithal to take one more step. Opie had turned around at the same time Jax had and saw his best friend first falter then literally fight to put one foot in front of the other in his attempt to flee.

»Come on!« he yelled but Jax simply stopped and bent over. Pain radiated through his chest and spread like wildfire throughout his flagging body. The air had squeezed out of his struggling lungs and the world started to turn a sickly shade of greenish-gray as it lost its hold on SAMCRO's young VP. Jax felt like he was flying … no … falling; incapable of helping his best friend, but refusing to hold him back, he looked up at Opie and whispered »Run« immediately before he collapsed on the dusty ground of no man's land.

•••••••••

»You let him go?« Adam Learner repeated horrified.

»Yeah and you would have too. Would you please tell me what the MRI-scan showed?« Tara begged as she started searching her cell. Adam sighed in resignation.

»It's bad, Tara. The scarring isn't limited of his pericardium. Also the heart muscle was punctured and is scarred and now I am absolutely certain that there was a huge infection.«

»They didn't fix the muscle?«

»I can't tell you for sure until I get their records. Tara you need to get him here as fast as you can. From the appearance of the tissue, it is very likely that there is damage to the conduction system. I'm still shocked that he hasn't suffered a severe arrhythmia yet.«

For a moment Tara wanted nothing but to throw up. She fought the urge down and nodded silently.

»I … I'll go get him« she stuttered into the phone.

»Are you alright?« Adam asked concerned.

»What do you think?« she hissed suddenly angry.

»I'm sorry« he apologized gently. »If you need someone to talk to, I'm always there for you.«

»Thanks« she answered in a clipped tone; confident that the only people she had to be mad at were Jax, for pushing her, and herself for giving in. Tara hung up and dialed Jax's cell number. Maybe they were done with church and she could pick him up without attracting a lot of attention. After it rang 6 times she felt defeated … nobody answered.

•••••••••

»No!« Opie shouted failing to catch Jax's limp body before it hit the ground. He got on his knees next to him and carefully rolled him onto his back. Jax was breathing but it was a labored wheezing that caused his blood to run cold. Seconds later the SUV arrived and two Russians jumped out. One was bleeding from a bullet wound. The other pointed a gun at Opie's face.

»Get up« he exclaimed.

»No.«

»Get up or you both die.«

»Not without him« Opie stated.

»This is no hearse« the Russian replied. »Get up!«

He'd be dammed, if he left his best friend laying unconscious in the midst of this dead land – helpless and dying. No way, not in thousand years. But dead he would be helpful as a rock to Jax. So in the end he obeyed and got up. The bleeding Russian grabbed him by his kutte, disarmed him, tied his hands and shoved him into the dark inside of the car.

It was a short ride. When they drug Opie back out of the SUV he almost tripped over Running Mouth's assumed corpse. He got a glimpse of another moving form in the back of the car as they hauled him towards the third of the free buildings. He was hustled into the interior, where a much more intense smell of death struck him in the face. And there it was again. The humming and two more dead Wahewa. A man on the floor, obviously shot, and a woman. Opie spotted ligature marks on her neck. She had been throttled as far as Opie could tell. Apart from that she was whole and didn't show the advanced state of putrefaction of the both men. Maybe she had been killed just hours earlier.

»You took long to show up. Does SAMCRO always make promises as accurately as this appointment? It's a wonder that you've lasted this long« the third Russian addressed him and pointed at the dead woman. Opie guessed him to be the leader of the three.

»They had no business with you.«

»Oh, but they did. Everyone should know that it is obviously life threatening to run with SAMCRO and even so to mess with us.«

»I guess, your boss already got the message, didn't he?« Opie laughed and caught a hard hit into his kidney from the back. The Russian didn't laugh but built himself up. Opie looked around. He needed to get back to Jax, but he was seriously outnumbered.

»The guns you stole, we want them back« the Russian chimed in his broken english. »Or SHE will be next.«

In that moment a second Wahewa woman was carried into the cabin and started screaming under her gag. Her eyes grown wide at the scene of horror she saw. Beseeching, she looked over to Opie and some kind of relief mixed with her fear.

»I can't« he shook his head and the angry expression in the Russians face grew.

»Then you are responsible for her death« he stated and pointed a gun at her head. She cried out in panic and Opie raised his tied up hands.

»I meant I … I can't give that order.«

The Russian cocked his head and watched him in suspicion.

»Who can?«

»SAMCROs President or VP … the man you left back there in the scrubland, get him here.«

»He's dead.«

»No, just hurt« Opie stated with all confidence he could muster. Inwardly he was hoping that the Russian was wrong. He was praying. Over and over again.

»Alright« he nodded and pointed with his gun to the men behind Opie's back. »Get her back in the car and drag the corpse back here.«

»The redskin?« the man asked confused.

»No, you jerk. The blonde one.«

•••••••••

The ringing of a cell brought Jax back to the surface of consciousness. His cell. He couldn't answer it. He couldn't even breathe or move. He was drowning in his own lungs and his chest was wracked with a vise-like cramp that turned his heart into a dark place he was afraid of to returning to. And finally when the ringing died, Jax let go too.

•••••••••

Tara ended her what felt like her thousandth try to get Jax on his cell. Then she dialed Gemma's number and asked her to come over a little earlier to watch the kids. It was their daily routine. Nothing suspicious. Of course Gemma asked about Jax. Tara told her he was at church. Gemma seemed satisfied.

In a hurry, Tara packed the EMT-bag and put it into the back of her car. Tara closed the lift gate the second her mother-in-law arrived at the house.

»Not in scrubs?« Gemma asked and pulled down her sunglasses.

»I'm not scheduled for surgery today.«

»Ah, paperwork?«

»Yeah, the dark side of the moon« Tara nodded and smiled nervously. She had to leave, now.

»Okay. Will Neeta drop by later?«

»Yeah, I called her« Tara nodded and got into her car.

•••••••••

That made one less to fight, Opie counted. Minus a half for the injured guy still standing behind him and probably still pointing a gun at his head. Not such a bad outcome for a simple lie. He took a careful step back and felt the gun at height of his waist. Good. The guy was getting tired. The Russian in front of him eyed him and slowly let his gun sink.

»So … what do you do with your dead friend?« he frowned.

»He isn't dead.«

»I saw him drop dead in the dirt.«

»I'm gonna wake him up. He makes the call and gets you the guns.«

»You sure?« the Russian asked and bent forwards. He felt safe. That was Opie's chance. In a single movement he turned around, hit the guy's wounded arm as hard as he could, took away his gun and pointed it at the puzzled looking leader who had simultaneously raised his own. But before he could get a decent shot Opie had already pulled the trigger. The Russian let his gun drop and watched as the dark circle around the bullet hole in his stomach grew bigger and bigger. He sank to his knees and Opie gave the gun a kick so it skidded diagonally through the room, unreachable for everyone. As Opie turned to the single-armed guy he was gone. Fled. When he bent down next to the Russian - he was dead. One problem down, two to go.

Outside the SUV returned and Opie grabbed the dead Russian by his ankles to drag him out of sight.

»Hey« the other one shouted. »This guy is heavy!«

Opie searched for a knife. He had to get rid off the cable strap around his wrists. Fast. Then he spotted the shaft of a knife emerging under the putrescent body of the Whahewa man. He stopped, took a deep breath, pulled the knife from the dead man's body as a stream of a dark brown liquid seeped from the body. Nauseated, he cut off his ties and left the building.

The man looked up to him. First angry and impatient, then surprised to see in the barrel of a gun. Jax was laying next to him, face down in the dirt. That awful sight hit Opie so hard that he almost lost his balance.

»Step back« Opie barked at the Russian, who pulled his SIG and pointed it at Jax.

»No.«

»You will« Opie went on calmly, dangerously calm. »I killed your boss. Your life has no value to me anymore. Kill him and you'll be dead in the same second. Step back and you're gonna live.«

The Russian went pale and stepped back. Opie got down the stairs and laboriously lifted Jax up, never letting his aim out of sight. The moment he wanted to turn to his truck he saw the single-armed man returning. Shit, the guy hadn't ran after all, he had just gone to rearm.

_Cover. We need cover._ Opie realized and pulled his best friend roughly back into the building, still not knowing if he was dead or alive.

•••••••••

On her way to the clubhouse Tara dialed the number of the bar phone at the clubhouse. Filthy Phil answered. She never wanted to know why they called him that.

»Church is over, they got out more than a hour ago« he told her after she had asked for the status of church.

»So where is Jax?«

»I'm sorry Dr. Knowles, I don't know. I can go look for him.«

»Yeah do that and if you find him, tell him that he has an urgent appointment. I'll drop by and pick him up.«

»Yeah, okay.«

»And keep it to yourself« Tara added resolutely and hung up.

•••••••••

Encouraged by his sudden support the Russian with the SIG had started to fire at them too. Bullets shattered the window panes and glass shards covered Opie and Jax like rain.

Opie laid Jax on the floor and searched for a way out, but there wasn't one. The only way in or out was a door which had attracted his attention before. The Whahewa were pressing ammo in this building too and they knew what they where doing. They where dealing with percussion caps, that had to be stored properly. Safe from fire and theft. The door directly behind the dead woman was heavy and made of solid steel. The storage area. The keys were still stuck in the lock. Opie crawled over to it firing back while the Russians slowly got closer. He opened the door, took the keys and dragged Jax's limp body into the crowded room. He closed the door behind them and locked it. They were caught but safe.


	12. The heat of the fire

**AN: **Hey guys! Thank you all for your nice reviews, keep up with that and I will do my very best to deserve them :D

Like every time, I want to thank the great LonePalm for the much time she spends to push this story with corrections and suggestions.

**Disclaimer:** Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner, the nurse James and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

There was a window in the ceiling, that allowed just a bare impression of the sunlight down to them. Helpless, Opie watched Jax struggling to breathe. He searched for a pulse and found it, but it was more like a fluttering vibration under his fingers.

»Come on, Jax. Don't do this to me« Opie begged his unconscious friend on the floor and stuffed his kutte under Jax's head while he reached for his cell. Loud clanging noises reminded him of the Russians, who were still trying to break the lock of the storage room with one round after another, but luckily with no success. Opie called the bar phone of the club house. The line was busy. _Fuck. Holy shit, why now?_ He tried Clay's number, but nobody answered. Jax stirred. It sounded somewhat panicked but he didn't come around. His breathing got more labored than before, if that was even possible, and then … it stopped. Opie let his cell drop and bent over Jax, who – a few torturing seconds later – gasped again and continued to wheeze with bigger growing gaps between every movement of his chest. At least he was breathing. Opie watched him anxiously and dialed Chibs' number. Relieved, he heard someone answering.

•••••••••

Tara passed through the gate of Teller-Morrow and parked her car hastily by the side. She jumped out and looked around the yard in a glance. Clay stood in one of the garages with his back to her and arguing with presumably Tig, Bobby was absorbed in a puzzle that once might have been a motor, Piney was drinking as he sat next to Juice who was sunk behind a laptop under the awning. The only person who seemed to recognize her was Chibs, who stood in the middle of the courtyard. He had turned pale while listening to his cell and stared her directly in the eye. She went over to him.

» … don't need to. She's here« he answered to the unknown caller and let the phone sink.

»What is it?« Tara asked and felt a misgiving rise slowly. »Where … where is Jax?«

The Scotsman shook his head. »Hurt.«

»Where is he?« she expelled horrified.

»Get into your car« Chibs directed her and pointed at the vehicle behind her.

»Chibs, please« she pleaded. »I need to know.«

The biker sighed. »On the Wahewa reservation. Russians got them. Jax collapsed.«

»You should call an ambulance« Tara hissed.

»They won't find that place. Only a few know where it is.«

»Then take me to him!«

»I will. Get in the car. I'll go and tell the club.«

Tara nodded and stumbled shakily backwards. Chibs grabbed her sleeve and gave her his cell before he left – running. Confused Tara raised it to her ear, he hadn't end the call.

»Hello?«

»Jesus Tara« Opie breathed.

»What happened?«

•••••••••

Opie took a deep breath. Maybe the guilt for this was on his shoulders.

Tara held her breath. The guilt for this was on HER shoulders.

»Opie, what happened?« she repeated.

»He just collapsed. He isn't hurt at all.«

»Does he have a pulse?« she snapped in a weird kind of routine.

»Yeah, yeah he does … but it's fast and not very steady.«

»What about his breathing?«

»He is breathing, but it's getting flatter and … «

»Okay, okay. Do you know CPR?«

»Tara, whats happening to him?«

»I don't know« she spat. »Do you know CPR?«

»Cardiopulmonary resuscitation?«

»Do you know it?«

»Yeah, I took a course at the lumber mill.«

»Okay. I want you to raise his upper body. That may help him breathe. And I want you to watch him closely. Do you get that?«

»Yes« Opie confirmed and got behind Jax. He pulled him over to a pile of boxes and propped him up. Jax's skin was clammy and had turned to a bluish shade. It was possible that his imagination was playing tricks on him but he couldn't shake the thought that Jax's lips had turned a dark violet color as well. Fortunately his new position seemed to ease the troubles he had, at least partially.

»It's working« Opie nodded under a new barrage of shots on the outside, that the door stubbornly held back.

»What was that?« Tara cried out and grabbed hold of the passengers seat she just had reached as she watched the members of the club starting to move.

»The Russians are trying to break the down the door« Opie stated darkly. »We're safe, Tara. They can't get to us.«

Tara saw Chibs heading to the car, a holster with two guns over his shoulders and a bulletproof vest in his hand.

»Don't hang up« she whispered to Opie and took the vest in exchange for the car keys. »Where are you taking me?« she asked and looked worried at the vest.

»Jax would have wanted you safe. It's his.«

•••••••••

Opie heard Chibs starting the car. He sank back against the wall, relieved that help was on it's way, even though it was still far away. The Russians outside had obviously decided that the door wouldn't give in, not under a thousand of 9 mm bullets. He heard them talking, muffled and unrecognizable words made their way into the dark space that gave he and Jax shelter. Again he searched for a pulse and found it. God, Jax had always been a stubborn ass. Some things never would change.

»She's coming« he assured his best friend. »Tara is on her way.«

Tara listened to the words the calm and deep voice whispered. Her throat got tight. She was not the help Jax needed. She wouldn't be much more than a bandaid that covered a bullet hole. But out there in the depths of the desert, she might be the only chance for the man she loved.

Chibs was a good driver. He rushed the car down the road as if the tires didn't even touch the asphalt, but the bikes where faster. In a roaring noise the rest of SAMCRO took them over and disappeared in the distance as small, dark dots. Tara looked over to Chibs and he pushed the gas pedal to the floor.

»Tara?« Opie addressed her after a minute of silence.

»What is it?«

»I don't know if it is good or … um … it's hot in here. I mean, Jax was ice cold but now … «

»Get him out of his shirts, but be careful with the right wrist.«

»Why?«

»You'll see.«

Opie put the phone aside and peeled Jax out of his kutte. Gently he pulled the sleeves over his best friend's hands and the sweater over his head. His chest was still covered with the monitor electrodes and he spotted a cath on his wrist. The uneven scars of the stabbing became visible and the thin line were surgeons had extended the cuts to repair the damage the knife had caused appeared between the small circular marks of the stitches. Opie looked down on the man that once had been indestructible. Now he was broken. Ailing under his fingers and there was nothing he could do to help him but watch and wait. He should have held him back, when Clay had sent them to the Wahewa. All too well he remembered Tara's words. She hadn't shared it with him because she hadn't had someone to turn to, she had told him because she had trusted on him to protect Jax when she wasn't there. Opie felt his failure burning on his skin. Literally.

»I'm sorry, Tara« he spoke.

»You don't need to be« her soft voice answered. »How is he?«

»The breaks between the gasps are getting longer and I think his lips are turning blue.«

»Fuck« Tara expelled loudly and shifted in her seat. »Count the seconds.«

»Almost ten.«

»From exhale to inhale?«

»Yeah.«

»Okay. Is there a window?«

»Yes« Opie affirmed and looked up but dark clouds had shaded the small porthole over them. No, not clouds, he suddenly realized. Wisps of smoke. And the heat wasn't caused by inner guilt or the sun. He held his hand near the steel door but didn't dare touch it. It had to be scorching hot.

»Damn it!« he called out. »They set fire to the house!«

»They did what?« Tara cried and looked over to Chibs who had also heard Opie's last words. He shook his head.

»They won't get there faster even if they know, Tara« he answered her unspoken suggestion to tell the others about the fire.

»Can you get out?« she shouted into the cell. »Is there a door or … what about the window?«

»There's no way« Opie breathed and rubbed his face. _No way out._

_•••••••••_

Tara got her cell out and dialed. She turned to Chibs while she was waiting for someone to answer.

»At the reservation, is there anywhere a highway, a crossing or something recognizable I can direct an ambulance to?«

»There is a settlement. Milton. Three or four miles from the safe house. Behind that there is just a dirt track through scrubland.«

»Alright« she nodded 'til someone took her call.

»Department of cardiology, this is James.«

»James? This is Dr. Knowles. I need to talk to Dr. Learner.«

»He is on his rounds. Do you want to leave a message, Dr. Knowles?«

»It's urgent. Get him as fast as you can.«

Tara could literally hear the moment the nurse James recognized the nature of her call and disappeared from the phone without any further word. Just half a minute later Adam picked it up.

»What's going on?« he asked alarmed.

»How fast can you order an ambulance to Milton near Morada?«

»What? Did you find Jackson?«

»I'm on my way to him. I think he has an arrhythmia.«

»You think?«

»The ambulance« Tara reminded him sharply.

»Of course. Milton?«

»Yeah, I will meet the EMTs there. They should call me. You have my cell number?«

»I do.«

»Fine.«

•••••••••

The club reached the outer limits of the desert. Clay, as always drove ahead. So he was the first to spot the two hundred yard high column of thick, dark smoke, rising from the only place that held life in this dead and inhospitable area just a few miles in front of them. The members didn't need an invitation to squeeze the last bit out of their Harleys, so they rushed – everyone drowning in their own sea of horror and disbelieve – towards the unmistakable sign of final destruction.

•••••••••

It was getting hotter with every second in the locked up storage room. Opie had reported to Tara every minute about Jax's condition. It hadn't improved. Not even a little bit, just changed to a new level of scary. His breathing deteriorated with every gasp until he stopped completely for a few seconds and started again. Opie watched it for what felt like the thousandth time.

»Ope?«

»Still here« he replied tired and wiped a trace of sweat from his forehead.

»How … « she asked interrupted by cracking.

»The same as before, Tara« he sighed.

Opie got up and climbed onto another pile of boxes. The heat wasn't only suffocating Jax but him as well. If he just could break the window glass or find a mechanism to open it. Certainly nobody would fit through that ridiculous small hole, but at least they could breathe fresh air or what was left as thin bright blue lines between the all the smoke. But the window remained shut and he descended. He bent down to Jax, checked his pulse and breathing only to notice that the latter was gone and remained so.

»Tara!« he shouted into his cell. »He stopped!«

»Breathing?« Tara cried out and dug her fingernails into her thigh.

»Yeah … I … I … «

»Calm down!« Tara barked at him and tried to brace herself. »Like y… have learned … get him flat … his back … pull his head ba… «

Cracking followed by something like white noise cut the connection and Opie dropped the cell. Hastily he pulled Jax onto the floor and did as he was told. Inhale, exhale. A few times. Still he found the pulse. Every time flatter and more irregular than before. Even Opie knew that it was just a matter of time until it would vanish completely. He couldn't help it. All he could do was just try to breathe for both of them as he knelt in the dark, hot space that must feel like hell itself.

•••••••••

They could sense the heat from the distance. Wind had sprung up and blew the first fumes into their direction. Clay stopped and dismounted, indicated to the others to do so as well, but the most of them stood there already ready to fight, if there was something left to fight for. Tig dropped his helmet and pulled his gun. He nodded and they spread out before they slipped into the lot. The fire created a bloodcurdling thundering rumble and the smoke burned in their noses and lungs. The place seemed deserted, as dead as everything else around there, but they knew there was someone waiting for them … a huge black SUV parked by the side of one of the buildings. Tig tapped Clay on the shoulder and pointed to it.

»Got the C-4?« Clay asked and provoked a mischievous smile on Tig's face. »Juice!«

»Boss?« Juice nodded after had crawled to Clay through the dusty yard.

»Take Piney and Phil. Go and find a way to kill that burning bitch.«

Juice nodded but a series of small detonations followed by real shots threw him to the ground and left them searching for cover. Clay spotted a guy in a suit firing at him and bending back down into the cover behind the black SUV. Juice got over to the other side and disappeared with Piney and Phil between the buildings. Tig returned with a small package of plastic explosives and a blasting cap.

»Ready to fire up their asses« he grinned.

»Later« Clay called him off. »Can you get a clean shot?«

Disappointed Tig looked over at the Russian, who was firing at him and nodded. He pulled his gun, got up, waited for the second the Russian to leave his cover and placed a single bullet between the guy's eyes. He dropped dead into the dried up mud.

»One left« Tig counted and sank back into his cover. »Can I blow up that black pussy wagon now?«

Clay shook his head before he answered »Do whatever you have to.«

•••••••••

Opie was getting tired. Sweat ran down his skin. His body was already aching under the strain. He didn't know how much longer he could do it, or if it still made sense. Could be minutes, could be hours, he couldn't tell. Only desperation fueled adrenaline kept him going, squeezing air into the motionless body which might still hold Jax's mind. Jax hadn't responded at all; limp as the dead and pale and bluish as water evaporating into an unknown sphere.

•••••••••

She was going crazy while Chibs drove her car like crazy. But even he couldn't grow that desolate vehicle a pair of wings. Tara clawed her fingers into the handgrip of the door. They rumbled over the dirt track towards a horizon dulled by smoke and dust. She had been crying since the connection to Opie had broken down. Umpteen times she had tried to call him, but the line had remained silent.

They came closer. The settlement became visible and something else that was approaching the car. It was a man in a black suit and he was running with a Harley on his trail. Tig was on his trail. Just before they all met, Tig caught up with the fugitive and ran over him. A choked scream escaped Tara's mouth as she stared in horror at the scene that they where passing at maximum speed.

»Tara … « Chibs began but she raised her hands in refusal.

»No. Not a word.«

In the distance she saw the burning wreckage of a metal building and something big moving above it. She didn't recognize the watertower until it burst through the clouds of smoke and shattered on the roof of the burning cabin, dowsing almost all the flames. The rest of them were put out with an extinguisher by a figure she recognized as Piney. When Chibs stopped the car Tara had already opened the door and jumped out; while Tig, Juice and Phil vanished into the deformed and steaming ruins of the building. She stopped between Clay and Piney, watching in horror as the other three drug the bodies of two men into the light of the day, burned beyond recognition.

The world lost grip on Tara. Too late … they were too late. She fell to her knees and collapsed into the fresh ash speckled mud. Clay bent down to her and gently picked her up. She could tell that he was crying too. So was Piney. They stood there shaking, too shocked to talk, too overwhelmed to scream.

Tara was the first to find her voice again.

»Impossible« she shook her head and Chibs laid his hands on her shoulders.

»Where did you find them?« Chibs asked Tig, who shrugged.

»Inside, man.«

»You broke the storage room open?« the Scot inquired and slowly all eyes turned to him.

»What storage room?« Juice raised his grime smeared eyebrow. Tara turned to Chibs too. In that moment her cell started ringing. It showed Opie's name on the display. Tara answered the call.

»I can hear you guys talking. Why the hell are we still stuck in here?« Opie's grumbly voice rang out from the cell.


	13. At the brink

**AN:** So many thanks for all your nice reviews. It's a real pleasure to get a response like that and a good reason to continue this story. **So go on and review!**

As always I take a thankful look at a awesome island with a LonePalm on it ^^

**Disclaimer:** Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner, the nurse James and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

Opie quickly glanced at the keys on the storage room floor. Damn, he had locked the door once they were inside so the Russians would have no way to get to them. But they obviously were gone and now he and Jax were locked in. The voices from outside were growing louder; slightly frantic as they debated how to rescue their brothers. Someone tried to break the door open but of course without any luck.

»It's locked!« Opie shouted between two breaths as he continued his tiring routine. He knew that he had to leave his friend in order to get them out, but he was afraid. Afraid that he might be gone, when he returned. But that fear would get them nowhere.

Bobbys voice came through the massive door asking »Key?« and Opie pressed a last breath of air into Jax's lungs and got up.

»Got it!« he answered and with slippery hands Opie hastily tried to stuff the key into the keyhole. He couldn't see much as sweat dripped into his eyes, burning them, as the key slipped off of the lock a few times. The door was excruciatingly hot when he accidentally touched it with the back of his hand and the skin stuck to the surface, but Opie didn't noticed it at all. He finally got the key in, turned it, heard the lock open and immediately returned to Jax's side. When the first real ray of light fell into the storage room Opie shielded his eyes as he looked into it's glistening beautiful relief and a handful of shocked watching silhouettes.

••••••••••••

»Out!« Tara barked as she made her way through the bikers and felt the heels of her shoes already melting on the hot floor. The building was devastated, covered in soot and still steaming from the sudden shower that had been Juice's engineering masterpiece, but still in ruins from the fire's heat.

The sight inside the storage room nearly stopped Tara in her tracks and literally made her sick - Opie hunched over a motionless Jax. The tension of desperation was almost palpable. Nobody said a word. She started to shiver as she got closer.

»Get him out!« Clay ordered behind her back and she turned.

»No« she shook her head calmly.

»Not your decision, Doc« the President murmured but Tara was not in the mood to let anyone make decisions that could affect Jax's condition.

»Oh yes it is« she nodded determined, as she grabbed her stethoscope from the EMT-bag over her shoulder and pushed herself into the crowded storage room. Clay wanted to reply but two pairs of hands belonging to Tig and Bobby led him out of the building.

It wasn't quite as hot in there, but there wasn't much room to move around. Opie was still pushing air into Jax's limp body and Tara tried to swallow that lump in her throat. Protocols, she needed protocols.

First: Check pulse and breathing. She found the first on Jax's neck, barely and indescribably irregular. But the femoral pulse was completely gone or impalpable. His circulation was deteriorating. She had no doubt that that was the arrhythmia Adam had been afraid of and that had been the possibility, that had kept her awake the whole night.

Second: Breathing … well … he wasn't doing it on his own. In addition his lips WERE blue and he showed a severe cyanosis from maybe an hour or more without a sufficient oxygen supply. No one had to tell her how fatal that was. Tara laid one hand onto Opie's shoulder as used the other to grab the laryngoscope and and a size 8 endotracheal tube.

»It's okay, Ope. You can stop now.«

Opie administered a last breath to Jax and looked Tara in the eye before he got up and they changed their positions. His face was wet from sweat and tears.

Third: Secure airways. She tilteded Jax's head and neck back and up and introduced the laryngoscope to make the glottis – the vocal folds and the space between them – visible. His airways were free and much bigger than that ones she was used to. In a fluent movement she pushed the tube down his windpipe and filled the cuff on it's lower end with saline solution from a small syringe attached to it, to lock the tube in place.

»Ambu-bag« she ordered not thinking for a second that Opie might not know what an ambu-bag was. But he handed it to her without comment. Once she had connected it to the tube and started to ventilate Jax, whose chest rose and fell regularly, she checked the position listening through the stethoscope to the crackling sounds of the moving air. Then she turned back to Opie. He was shaken, she could tell, maybe even traumatized. She couldn't imagine how he must have felt alone in here. Possibly like herself the whole time, even now: Helpless.

»It's okay« she repeated and asked herself who she was actually trying to convince. »Opie? Get me a few strong hands. I want Jax out of here as fast as possible.«

Opie nodded vacantly and left Tara at Jax's side. She went back to the protocol.

Fourth: Sustain sufficient circulation. Assuming there was something to sustain. With one hand she ripped the monitor electrodes out of the EMT-bag and connected them to the adhesives on his chest. The monitor welcomed her with alerts. No wonder. She spotted the hair-needle-shaped graph of a monomorphic ventricular tachycardia. It was the face of a lifethreatening beast. Often it deteriorated within minutes into a pulselessness or ventricular fibrillation. Her heart skipped a beat before it sank, heavy as lead, onto the floor of a dark ocean.

»Fuck!« she cursed. No idea how long he had been in this state, but it explained the worse circulation and the pulmonary edema she was working against with the ambu-bag. She clamped the pulseoxymeter on Jax's finger tip. 78%. Bloody hell. For a moment the horror she was facing seemed overwhelming. It WAS overwhelming. But did she have a choice? Would Jax have any chance without her keeping her mind clear?

••••••••••••

»You? Again?«

»Two times in two days, son«, John Teller nodded. They were stuck in some kind of undefined, black space. Jax couldn't even feel the floor under his feet nor tell if he was sitting, standing or lying down.

»Can count on my own« he answered sloppily, but unable to fight that nagging feeling that was crawling its way up his back.

»I thought you had got the message already.«

»Dad … «

»I'm serious.«

»So am I. I told Clay that I need a few days off.«

»Who are you trying to kid?«

»Sorry?«

»My son, you're a brave one, but didn't I tell you to be scared?«

»I tried to figure it out.«

»Me, too.«

»Huh?«

»Don't let history happen twice, Jax.«

»You're talking in riddles.«

»The last time one of us tried to escape the king, he ended up dead. That man will squeeze the last drop of blood out of your body if it has any use to him.«

»I'm not so sure. Without Clay, Abel would be lost.«

»I didn't say that he is the devil.«

»I have to be really fucked up, if I am dreaming this shit.«

»Dreaming? Let me be clearer. You're back. Do you remember this darkness? The feeling, that squeezes the air out of your lungs and cuts you off from the world you were living in? You were here the last time and back then you promised yourself never to end up back here again. Do you remember, son?«

Jax looked at his father and an unbearable sadness settled over him like a black sail, dark and heavy, pulling him to the ground. He started shaking and his hands were trembling. Tears found their way into his eyes. He remembered. Oh, yes he did. The place he never wanted to return to. It was nowhere. Not a real place at all. Even worse was the certainty that he could not leave. Not even Jax Teller could escape death. Not every time.

»I see, you do« his father nodded and pain and regret distorted his face.

»I'm dying?«

»How many more chances do you need?«

»I … I can't … « Jax cried and was ashamed of it. He hated himself for crying when he had to be strong, for letting himself end up back here. In his attempts to never return to this place, he had done exactly that - maneuvered himself straight back to the one place he never wanted be in again.

»They all were begging for another chance and you got it!« his father suddenly shouted at him. It seemed that his state of emotion changed with Jax's own. »You got it and after that you even got a warning shot on top of that and you ignored it! … They all were begging for another minute on earth. Just another gasp.«

»So you blame me for acting like everyone else?« Jax shouted back.

»You are blaming yourself, Jax! And you know that! You already see the lights dimming, don't you?«

»What lights?«

John Teller raised his right hand. It vanished into shadows. The contrasts were fading. He was right.

»Do I have a chance?« Jax turned from his father and stared in the endlessness of this place.

••••••••••••

»There are an oxygen cylinder and a blanket in my trunk. Get them« Tara told Chibs while they followed Phil and Opie, who carried Jax out of and away from the building. They settled him on a still dry piece of ground and Tara dropped the EMT-bag. She was searching for amiodarone. Quickly she got the little bottle with the dark red label. She knew it was too early for that. She had to cardiovert him first.

»Leave« she told to Phil and Opie. »He doesn't need curious onlookers.«

Phill nodded and disappeared but Opie stayed and bent down. He took the ambu-bag out out of Tara's hands and continued squeezing it. Maybe he needed it, Tara thought and let him go on. She pulled the defibrillator out of the bag and pressed the charge button. That moment Chibs returned.

»There is a small tube at the end of the ambu-bag«, Tara explained and got another bottle and an IV-bag. »Connect it to the valve at the end of the cylinder and open it all the way.«

Relying on the club's medic she hunkered over Jax and put her mouth to his ear.

»Jax, I don't know if you can hear me, but everything is going to be okay. Baby, I need to shock you to get you in a better rhythm. It's gonna hurt. I'm sorry for that« she talked to him and applied a high dose of morphine from the second bottle and lightly kissed his cheek before she got the self-adhesive paddles of the defibrillator. 200 Joule. Synchronized.

»When I say "clear" don't touch him« she barked at Opie and Chibs, placed the paddles on Jax's chest and looked a last time to the monitor. »Clear!«

They stepped back and Tara hit the release button. The device measured Jax's rhythm, loaded, beeped loudly and delivered the shock. Jax's body reacted with the expected short seizure, as all of his muscles contracted at the same time, then he went limp again. Tara looked at the monitor and sighed in relief. Sinus rhythm was back.

»Oh good Lord« she breathed and continued to ventilate Jax, because Opie was simply frozen. »Opie, go. He's good for the moment.«

Opie stared her in the face but showed no sign of recognition so Chibs helped him up and nodded »Go«. After Opie had started moving towards the other members Chibs took the bag and took a good look at Jax's face.

»Will he come around?« he asked gently.

»Don't know« Tara shrugged and set a drip with the amiodarone, that hopefully would prevent another arrhythmia, and one with diuretics, because Jax actually was drowning in his own lungs. His skin was pale and blue, the o2 saturation didn't climb over 84% and he was covered in cold sweat. Even though she had prevented him from dying right now, she knew that the time that had elapsed until she gotten there could have caused damage that no one would be able to repair. She wanted to cry, to throw up, to scream and hide from the truth she was looking at, but for what? She had to be here for the only man she would ever love, so she reached over and took Jax's lifeless hand and held it firmly as he walked at the brink between life and death.

Tara heard her phone ringing and answered it. The ambulance waited for them at Milton.

»Can you direct them here?« she wanted to know from Chibs but he shook his head.

»Too many questions. We'll get him there.«

She was too tired to fight the twisted rules of a bunch of outlaws so she nodded. The men shifted Jax gently onto the blanket and placed him in the back of Opie's truck. Chibs took his vice-president's head into his lap to protect him from the violent jostling of the moving truck and continued stubbornly to press air into his lungs. Someone, Tara didn't knew who, pushed the truck fast down the dirt road towards Milton. The club was following with roaring machines and a trace of rising dust that cut through the seemingly endless desert.


	14. Fathers and sons

**AN:** I'm so sorry for the wait, but I was rather sick for weeks and after that the internet let me down. But in change for that, Chapter 14 is the longest until now. I hope you like it and give me some more nice reviews :) **Please review!**

As everytime I want to thank the LonePalm for her unbelieveable amout of patience.

**Disclaimer:** Sons of Anarchy and all characters in this fic – except for Adam Learner, the nurse James and some unnamed supernumerary – belong to Kurt Sutter and the FX Network.

* * *

Did I forget it on the bed … no … it wasn't there when I left the room. Has to be in the bag … but where in the hell is it? Could it be in the car? Damn it Jax. You've made me hurry so much, I can't remember.

»Was there something else in the cargo area of the car besides the bag and the blanket?« Tara asked Chibs under the loud noise of the trucks motor, rummaging around in the EMT-bag.

»What?« the Scot frowned, still counting the seconds to the next breath for a man that meant so much to him that he was like his own son.

»Sorry, got it« Tara murmured, as she wrangled the blood pressure cuff from the bottom of the bag and slid it over Jax's arm. BP might be down as well, but that problem has been negligible – 'til now. The cuff inflated itself automatically. She waited for it to deliver the values. It took too long, like it always did when they were low. 74 over 40. No wonder she could barely feel Jax's pulse. Doboutamine would raise the pressure, but in face of the third drip she had to set, the 18 gauge cannula in his wrist seemed to be totally overstrained. Before Tara wasted another thought on how to get the third drug on a decent flow rate over the peripheral access into his body she got out a second Y-set. A central line would be the better choice, she thought while she punctured the cephalic vein on Jax's other wrist that fortunately hadn't collapsed yet, but the violent ups and downs of their race through the desert would make every attempt to install one for naught.

Chibs watched Tara with concern. He was worried about Jax, too. No, scared to death actually, but that was something he never would admit. He had learned to conceal his feelings for the greater good. Battlefields were no place for emotions; there everyone was scared, but wars could not be won with fear, only with the strength to do the right thing. But the doc was no soldier. She might spend her days fighting battles for patients she barely knew, but not for the people she knew and loved. As long as she found something to do, she could bear what was happening to Jax, but when the adrenaline high fades and she is forced to wait, they would see that woman falter. In his thoughts Chibs turned to Jax. He had seen that kid bleed. Many times. Killed in action - that was the only way to go for a battlesome soul like his. But this?

The others still didn't know what was wrong with their VP. Chibs didn't know the details, but he knew enough to guess. He had told them that Jax had been hurt. But the kid didn't bleed this time and certainly that episode a day ago had been no coincidence.

Gemma, Thomas, Abel – their flaw had been obvious. What strange mood was God in that He had made this line of weak hearts in strong people? What was the lesson they had to learn? And why the hell did he wait so long to finally turn to Jax? Chibs knew, this would be a ordeal for all of them. But at that moment Chibs could not even fathom the extent of it.

•••••••••

Tara held the IV-bags high over Jax's head. They were getting heavier with every second, as did the burden she was feeling since the moment in the yard of Teller-Morrow and the expression on the old biker's face as he listened to Opie on his cell. She had reached her limits long ago, medically and emotionally. She felt something slowly dying inside of her. Her fingers went numb. Her lips too. She looked down on that oppressed body that held the man she loved hostage. An alien with blue skin, sliver shimmering scars and tubes and wires coming out of it. When did he stop looking like Jax? When did he slip out of her reach? When did he forget about his two sons? That wasn't the plan. They were supposed to be a whole family and not this portrait behind broken glass.

In the distance the wrecked silhouette of Milton appeared from dust and heat. Even flickering and blurred it caused a weak trace of hope in Tara. Not ling now, Baby. You just have to hang on and everything will be okay, she sent her thoughts to Jax, but he remained silent even in that unknown space between them, where they had always been able to communicate.

They were a few hundreds yards away and Tara could already spot the ambulance through the truck's windows, parked by the roadside on the outskirts the settlement were she had hastily directed the driver to wait for them. Two men were watching and waiting for their arrival and Tara sighed in relief. She laid her hand on Jax's shoulder and rubbed it with her thumb. Also Chibs, who had laid his left arm around Jax's head and chin to fixate it, turned around to see them. Tara nodded but snapped suddenly around. An alert caught her attention with the sound of a dull bell. The ventricular tachycardia was back. In fusillades it took turns with the sinus tachycardia Jax had been in since the cardioversion just minutes ago.

»Fuck«, Tara expelled and raised the flow rate of the amiodarone. It hadn't had that much time to take effect, but Jax shouldn't be back in the arrhythmia that quickly.

They reached the ambulance, stopped and the crowd of bikers stopped in a cloud of ocher dust just a few yards behind the truck. The men who had waited by the ambulance approached the truck. Tara recognized one of them at once.

»Adam!«

»After your call I couldn't stay at St. Thomas« he explained and jumped onto the truck. »What do we have?«

»Pulmonary flash edema with respiratory arrest and a monomorphic ventricular tachycardia. Hypotension by 80 over 40 and rising. Stable sinus rhythm after cardioversion until ten seconds ago. Now fusillades despite amiodarone via IV with 150 mg over 10 minutes, I raised it to 170 mg. o2 saturation is 85%. The hypoxia persisted for at least an hour and he shows signs of severe acute cyanosis.«

While Tara reported Jax's condition to Adam, the alerts went off again. He nodded and gave Chibs who was still ventilating Jax a glance.

»Who is this?«

»Telford. CMT, Royal Army Medical Corps« Chibs answered roughly. No need to mention that he was thrown out after 5 months of service as a Combat Medical Technician. The doc seemed satisfied with his answer. The second man, an EMT pulled a gurney over to the truck and they shifted Jax onto it. The EMT took the ambu-bag out of Chibs' hand. It felt strange to let go. Tara jumped from the back of the truck and followed them inside of the ambulance.

•••••••••

»Tell me!« Jax barked at his late father.

»It's always the same.«

»What do you mean?«

»You still don't remember all of it, do you?«

»Of what?«

»Being stuck HERE! We already had this conversation not so long ago. You were asking me the same questions, but this time I won't answer.«

»Why?«

»Because you refused to learn what I tried to teach you.«

»You … you're nothing more than a figment if my imagination.«

»So, you think, because of that I am less real?«

»I don't know. Is this real?«

»You know the truth.«

»I had a chance and I made it back!«

»Barely … Son, you just changed rooms and they are all connected through a door that is shrinking with every second. Do you remember the last time you tried to push yourself through that door?«

»No.«

»You do.«

»I don't.«

»I warned you that … «

»It's gonna be painful« Jax nodded when the memories came back. »You offered to let me stay.«

»And you said, you couldn't.«

»My kids.«

»You know, if you stay with me, all the pain will be gone - the physical and the emotional.«

»And I still can't. Dad...they won't even remember me. Thomas and Abel. I wanted something more for them. I just wanted to earn enough to give them a future. A fucking college fund so they could be like their mother … and not like me.«

John Teller raised his eyebrows in astonishment. »Looks like you learned something after all.«

»What?« Jax shrugged.

»That sons don't have to follow in their father's footsteps.«

»Like I did?«

»Not all the time. I stayed here, you know. You already decided one time to go back through that door. For them. Your family. No matter what it would cost or how it would feel. But this time it's gonna be harder, son.«

»Let's give it a try« Jax nodded and turned to the fading light that pulsated an unknown distance away and walked towards it.

•••••••••

Connected to a mechanical ventiatlor, highly oxygenated air was pressed into Jax's struggling lungs. Tara remained at his head watching the monitor with her hands on his face and buried in his short hair.

»o2 saturation is rising« she informed Adam who was searching for the lost femoral pulse. »90% by 100% oxygen content.«

»Better than nothing« he replied and gave Tara a small flashlight. She took it and pulled Jax's eyelids back, checking his pupillary reflex. They reacted, slowly but equally. Tara pressed her lips together and let his lids go, but in the moment they were supposed to close they remained open and Jax suddenly focused on Tara.

»Oh my God« Tara exclaimed. »He's coming around.«

Adam turned and bent over Jax, whose eyes grew more and more wide in distress.

»Jackson?« Adam addressed him. »Don't fight the tube. It helps you breathe. I'll get you something to ease that.«

»Baby, hey, Jax, I'm here« Tara stroked his head and placed a kiss on his cheek. »It's gonna be okay. Do you hear me?«

Jax's eyes fixed on her and blinked quickly. It broke her heart and she whispered almost soundlessly »I love you.«

A single tear slipped from Jax's eye and rolled down his temple before Tara could catch it. A second later the alerts went off again. A fusillade but it didn't stop after a few seconds. It changed in a shrill noise that caused Tara's blood to run cold.

»V-fib!« Adam called out. »I got no pulse!«

Tara automatically got up and stepped back, while the EMT the defibrillator charged.

»200 Joule?« he asked and Adam nodded. »Clear!«

The second electric pulse of this day ran through Jax's body, but this time his heart didn't respond as it was supposed to.

»Still v-fib« Adam breathed and started chest compressions. All this was too much for Tara. She sank against the divider to the driver's cab and held her breath. With Jax literally dying right in front of her eyes, her brain refused to process any further information. It was just that picture and the horror, that she was feeling, that burned itself into her memory. She heard Adam calling for lidocaine and a higher charge. She saw Jax's body cramping from the next shock and Adam searching for a pulse.

»Got it! Tara? Tara!« he tried to talk to her, but her vision was blurred from tears. »He's back. Come on, take a breath.«

She looked up to him vacantly.

»Tara?« he repeated and in conclusion slapped her in the face. Indignantly Tara gasped and jumped on her feet.

»What the … « she barked at him, but stopped. She knew why he had slapped her.

»You were holding your breath. I didn't plan on resuscitating both of you« he smiled at her. »He made it. Sinus rhythm. Fast but steady.«

»You sure?« she asked and gave that motionless body on the gurney a glance.

»Absolutely« Adam nodded and grabbed her by her shoulders. »I want you to leave and let us do our work. I want to get him in the ICU as soon as possible. Go, find someone who can drive you and we will meet at St. Thomas.«

»No … no I wanna come with you« Tara insisted but was gently pushed out of the ambulance.

»No way. I can't care for you too and you will be no use to him in your condition. You have done all you could and you did it well. Let me take care of him. Okay?«

»I … I … « she stuttered. Finally she nodded because she knew she was of no use to Jax anymore.

••••••••••

Tara saw the ambulance depart and she wondered if that would be the last time she saw Jax alive. Slowly she walked back facing the members of SAMCRO. The shock and the disbelief was written all over their faces. Nobody said a word. Just the wind sang its song, as if nothing had happened there.

»Tig, take Juice and Phil and clean up that mess. Someone should call Charlie Horse. And for the rest of you: We are gonna meet at St. Thomas« Clay quietly demanded because it was obvious that Tara wasn't in the condition to clear anything up. He nodded to Chibs, who was already walking towards Tara in order to lead her to Opie's truck. The young woman was shaking when he touched her arm gently. Her breakdown had been inevitable and he knew, that it was gonna be a long ride for all of them.

••••••••••

She never thought that she would find herself in a situation like this. At least not yet. Jax had always been someone, who walked a thin line between good and bad. Careful and reckless. Life and death. The latter had always been a question of decisions, calculating the risk and being clever. Jax wasn't that educated, but like he said, the only thing he ever had been good at was outlaw. His decisions had always prevented the worst. Not, that the outcome suited Tara most of the time. But Jax had been whole, kept them together, loved his sons and her without hesitation and set up this small silver lining at the horizon with a promise of a normal life. This promise, she was absolutely sure, was born from love. Not the love that let them stick together since they had been 16, but the love for Abel and Thomas. The day his first son was born, had changed something in Jax Teller. She was a little jealous about that, but watching Jax with his sons brought such deep happiness in her, that was brighter than anything else. And now she felt that happiness dying – fading so fast that she even hadn't had the time to store it in her memory. So fast. Two days before they had been a happy family. Sitting together in their common bed, planning for a future, surrounded by the bright sunlight. What the hell had happened? When did they take a wrong turn? She had begged him not to leave the hospital because she didn't want to be kept in this all consuming devastation she was feeling right now.

Tara heard herself screaming inside of her head, while the landscape passed her eyes in an unfamiliar blur. Couldn't be much father now. She should check with Neeta. When the message about Jax's condition reaches Gemma, she would barely be able to watch the kids. Gemma, it was another bitter thought Tara could not cope with – not yet.

She looked to the man next to her. Bloody hell, it had been Opie, who had pushed the truck through the desert. Now he sat in the middle of the bench looking like she was feeling - guilty, dead, lost. She opened her mouth in order to say something, but nothing came out and Tara let her head sink, too tired to push herself to do the right thing.

•••••••••

They arrived shortly after the ambulance. No idea where they had caught up with it. As soon as Chibs had slowed the car down, Tara jumped out of it and ran towards the huge vehicle. A crowd of medical personal from the emergency department swirled around too and blocked Tara's sight. Doors were pushed open and she spotted something that looked like Adam kneeling on Jax's gurney performing chest compressions.

No. Not again she thought to herself or had she shouted it out loud – she didn't care. No one noticed her at all as she caught scraps of Adam's labored report to the physician in charge. V-fib. What the fuck? Again, again … does this nightmare ever end she heard her own voice screaming as she finally and totally lost her grip on reality.

•••••••••

Tara found herself on a blue plastic chair in one of the waiting areas. How much time had passed? Not a lot, she noted after a short look at her watch. Just minutes. Someone held her a plastic cup with coffee in it under her nose. I didn't even smelled like coffee. She took it and looked up. It was Clay, who was standing in front of her. Pain written all over his face.

»What happened?« he asked silently and sat down in the chair next to her. She didn't have an answer, she was still asking herself the exact same question.

»I don't know« she whispered and a tear ran down her cheek.

»It's all my fault« Opie admitted.

»How?« Clay shrugged but a shadow arriving prevented Opie from answering. Tara turned around.

»Adam?« she asked the worn out looking doctor.

»He is in the ICU« his words provided her a little bit of relief. »If you wanna see him, we should go now.«

The urgency in his voice put her relief into perspective. People were dying in the ICU every day. She knew that and he did too.

•••••••••

The two walked down the long corridor. Clay had stayed behind because he wanted to wait for Gemma, who was on her way to the hospital.

»Tell me« she demanded and Adam nodded.

»He crashed two more times. V-fib one time shortly before we arrived in Charming and the second time here in the driveway. They shocked him in the ER four times to get him back … I don't know the extent of the damage caused by the hypoxia yet, but … «

»But I do« Tara nodded. She knew that Adam just wanted to be kind to her, but the reality was hard and brutal.

»He is a fighter« he tried to convince her. They approached the ICU. »Unit 202. Complete blood count is in works.«

»Okay« Tara nodded vacantly, searching for Jax's unit, and finally finding it. The nurses were still busy settling him. Twitching tubes and wires. The crash cart stood next to his bed. It felt like something had her own heart in a vice grip. She laid her hand on Adam's arm holding him back, when he made an attempt to go with her into the room.

»Give me a minute« she begged and he nodded. She passed the nurses on their way out and got to Jax's bedside. Tears were blurring her sight. That whole damn day was drowning in the salty sea, growing with every drop. Jax looked so weak. She just wanted to rip off all this stuff and get him out of the bed, away from this path of self-destruction his body was heading down, but she was completely unable.  
Deal with it, a surprisingly strong voice in her yelled. Don't let go, it added. Tara nodded and felt this strange comfort that came out of nowhere. She sighed.

»I know you're in there Jax« she began, grabbing his limp hand. It was ice cold. »I won't leave, do you hear me? … I … I didn't see that coming – or I just didn't want to see it. But what … what the hell was I supposed to do? Tell me … I should have strapped you down on that damn bed … I … but I couldn't. I love you Jax, I really do, but I am angry with you for this. So much. Maybe I hate you for it; but only for that, because I never could imagine that I could hate you for anything else. But there are two little boys, waiting for their father to come home, and all I will bring are empty hands and an explanation they will not understand … you … you made me lie and then you left me alone, so don't you dare to die! There is no other way, no escape. Jackson Teller, you will come back to me … and I will wait here for you … right here, because I'm not gonna carry the can for you.«

She nodded as if Jax could see her, wiped away the tears and left the unit. She found Opie outside of the unit, he was leaning his head against the cold glass.

»I was hoping you were wrong … but when I finally got what you were trying to tell me, it was too late« he said looking through the window, watching his best friend.

»What? You couldn't prevent that. Me neither. I didn't know how sick he really was until this morning. It could have happened anywhere and anytime.«

»But I knew enough to keep him away from … «

»The desert?«

Opie nodded. Dark shadows were crossing his mind and his thoughts and no one could take away that awful feeling, that he was responsible. Tara watched him in concern. She couldn't help either. Then she spotted his hand.

»Oh my God, your hand!« she expelled and pointed to the heavy burning wound on the back of Opie's hand. »Where did you get this from?«

Opie followed her eyes and raised his hand. The pain was just a dull echo, even though it looked disgusting. »Tried to open the storage room door« he murmured silently.

»We should get that cleaned up before it gets infected« Tara suggested, somewhat happy to have finally found something to do.

»I can't … can't leave« Opie shook his head.

»Me either.«

••••••••••

Clay had reached Gemma in the office at Teller-Morrow. She was sure, that he had lied to her as he had told her about Jax. Call it maternal instinct or whatever you want, she thought, but there was something wrong with her boy, that nobody wanted to say out loud. It was his heart, she was certain of it and it took her breath. If she weren't taking her own meds, she might join her son and collapse right there, but they were keeping her upright. Meds and the fourth smoke since she had left the garage.

The hallway seemed endless, the people around her had no faces and the sounds they made were nothing more than the messed up humming of a swarm of birds. Nothing made sense except for the man standing in the crowd and reaching for her. Gemma wrapped her arms around her husband's chest and felt his stiff hands on her back.

»Tell me« she breathed.

»We don't know anything yet Babe. He's in the ICU. Looked … bad« his dark voice responded and she raised her head.

»And where is SHE?«

»With him.«

••••••••••

A nurse, a small, friendly Asian with a slight squint, led the couple to the unit 202. Gemma clenched Clay's arm in order to stay on her feet when she spotted her son. To see him like this pushed her back into well stored memories. Memories of the loss she had experienced. Memories of lives torn apart and rough times when she had to decide between faltering or stepping up. She pressed her lips together 'til they got numb. The handsome looking yuppie doc she met shortly the day before headed for them, before they could go in.

»Mrs. Teller?« he asked, carrying a chart with a stack of crumpled papers clipped on it.

»That's me. What happened to my son?«

»Either the scarring or the defect of Jackson's heart, maybe both together, caused an arrhythmia and a pulmonary edema. The severe and long hypoxia resulting from that damaged his inner organs and his heart as well. He is stable for the moment, but critical.«

Clay watched his wife's lips trembling, like they always did when news pushed her over the edge of the bearable. Her grip grew stronger.

»Critical means?« Clay inquired, while Gemma tried to process the message and the pitiable sight her son was.

»We don't know if he will make it through the night« the doctor shook his head and that moment even Clay felt the solid ground under his feet vanish.

»How could you let that happen?« Gemma spat and Learner raised his hand in defense.

»He left AMA. I did everything I could to convince him to stay. Clearly, if he would have had the arrhythmia here the prognosis would be completely different.«

»AMA?« the woman echoed.

»Yeah, didn't he tell you?«

»Nothing« Gemma hissed. »They told me NOTHING … why … why shouldn't he pull through?«

»He has crashed several times but so far we have always been able to get him back, but it's getting more and more difficult each time. I … «

But before he could continue he saw Tara approaching them with a huge man in tow that he had seen sitting in the waiting room. Gemma Teller caught his glance and turned around.

Tara noticed the rage building up in the matriarch's face, her whole body was trembling and her eyes were little more than slits. Gemma knew the truth and Tara saw the slap in her face coming but Clay stopped his wife shortly before it happened. Gemma looked to him him in confusion and Clay stepped up to Tara.

He hugged her tightly and whispered »You lied doc. You lied to all of us and right now my wife wants to kill you here in the hallway and I am tempted to let her do it, but Jax wouldn't want that.«

Tara's blood curdled as she heard the calm, deep voice delivering it's devastating message. As if this day couldn't get worse. Two years before, she might would have faltered, felt the fear, gave in. But those times were over. She had spent too much time with those people to dance to their tune. She straightened herself and took a breath.

»I protected the man I love« she whispered in response with no less sharper tone as Clay himself had used. »I did all I could to keep him safe. YOU made this truth for him untellable, YOU dragged him to the clubhouse, YOU sent him to the desert, remember? You call yourself his father, but what kind of father are you, when your kid felt that he couldn't turn to you? I didn't lie. I just held back part of the truth, for Jax. Don't think I am suffering any less. We all are being put through hell today but we have the really bad times just ahead. So mind your words. No threat on earth will bring him back. It will just destroy the remains of our sons' family.«

Tara stepped back. The old biker looked someway surprised but nodded gently. Then he took Gemma by the arm and led her into the unit to her son's bedside. Tara, Adam and Opie were looking at each other in silence as they heard Gemma's desperated sobs echo from the unit.

••••••••••

An eternity passed while Tara was just standing outside of Jax's IC-unit watching the man she loved fight for his life. Opie had vanished. She had no idea where a man went, who felt that kind of guilt on his shoulders. When she had dressed his wounds, she had tried to convince him that it wasn't his responsibility, that she hadn't given him some kind of code. But at that point she wasn't certain. A part deep in her wanted to hate the world, blame Clay, Gemma and Opie for failing, but hate had no place in her heart that was already overflowing with fear and grief.

So she remained standing there like she had promised to Jax, but not at his bedside or in the seat next to him because that spot was already taken by the queen, who was watching her son with wet eyes. Maybe she would fall asleep, but the alerts that went off every five or less minutes would prevent her from falling into deep sleep. Tara noticed someone approaching her from the side. It was Adam.

»He's hanging on« Tara whispered.

»Yeah … he is fighting. But Tara, I got his latest lab work.«

»And?«

»Liver and kidney values are gravely elevated. I fear they are shutting down.«

»This can't be the end« Tara sobbed and felt a warm hand on her shoulder.

»We will do all we can to get him through this.«

»But raising false hope is not your department« she nodded tired.

»Maybe you should go home. Eat something, get a nap. You can't do much here anyway.«

»I can't leave him here alone.«

»He isn't alone, you know that. And I will call you if anything changes.«

»Or you will call me when Jax dies. Don't forget, that I know how fast that could happen.«

»Do you think, he would dare die with THAT woman at his bedside?« Adam asked Tara with a slight smile in his voice. Tara let a suffocated chuckle escape. Hell no he wouldn't. But she couldn't leave. Not now.

»He was so happy, to have his father home. They were already separated for too long.«

»Abel?«

»Yeah. You should've seen them together« she remembered and faced Adam. »I can't go home without him. How should I tell a two year old that his father is fighting for his life and that he may not come back? I can't even understand it myself.«

»But he needs his mom too« Adam nodded. A thought grew in his mind. »Bring him.«

»Into the ICU?« Tara frowned disbelieving.

»Alright« Adam sighed. »sneak him in. You can show him where his father sleeps and tell him, that he is gonna stay for a while.«

»I don't know« Tara shook her head, but maybe Adam was right.

•••••••••

Neeta stayed behind at Tara's office with a sleeping Thomas and Tara took Abel by the hand letting him jump up and down happily singing a mumbled and almost unrecognizable version of "itsy bitsy spider" on their way to the ICU.

»Izzy bissy pider craad up the wader pout … «

Jax had started to sing it with him after breakfast, even when he hadn't been able remember the words. As heartwarming as it had been this morning, the memory now burned painfully on Tara's skin.

» … down came the rain an wash the spider out … «

»Hey darling« Tara addressed her eldest son and lifted him up, when they reached the door to the ICU.

»That's a beautiful song, but in there are some people who are sleeping. Do you think you can be quiet for a while, as long we go looking for your daddy?«

»Daddy?« Abel raised his eyebrows.

»Yeah Baby, Daddy is sleeping too, you know?«

Abel was nodding as he could understand what his mom tried to tell him and kept his mouth shut with ostentation. Tara smiled at him and hit the button for the bell. Adam opened the door from the other side and let them in.

Gemma looked up, obviously surprised, when Tara and Abel entered the unit. The hard lines of rage had vanished from her face and the old lady seemed exhausted and broken. Just Abel, who's attitude always acted on people like the brightest sunshine, lit up her face. Without a word Tara dropped her son on the end of the bed. Abel didn't seem to be that much confused by the monitoring stuff and the IV-lines.

They had given Jax a triple lumen central line, that disappeared under his left collarbone. The shortest way for the meds to his heart. Endotracheal tube, defi-paddles, pulseoxy and urinay chath – suddenly she was glad that Jax was unconscious, he probably couldn't stand another humiliation – no part of his body was left unscathed. The latter was no wonder in consideration of his kidney values, and indeed, they hadn't produced that much urine. If Adam was right and Jax's organs had started shutting down, there would be nothing they could do for him. No meds, no therapy, no surgery. It happened too fast.

Abel didn't notice any of that, he was just watching his father and finally bent over him.

»Daddy?« he asked with his high and crystal clear voice. »Tiggle?«

Abel let his tiny fingers circle at his father's sides in elatedness, but this time Jax didn't react.


End file.
